Saturday at Johnny Brenda’s.
TODAY I SAW…
BY JEFF DEENEY “Today I saw…” is a series of nonfiction shorts based on my experiences as a caseworker serving formerly homeless families now living in North and West Philadelphia. I decided not long after starting the job that I was seeing so many fascinating and disturbing things in the city’s poorest neighborhoods that I needed to start cataloging them. I hope this bi-weekly column serves as a record of a side of the city that many Philadelphians don’t come in contact with on a daily basis. I want to capture moments not frequently covered by the local media, which […]
MAILBAG: Talk About Blog About Nothing
Regarding Jeff Deeney’s painstaking dissection of the DHS budget: Dear Phawker, Great work. I also want to say how much I enjoy reading your column on a daily basis Jeff. It’s nice to read a blog that adresses issues such as this rather than just telling me what shitty hipster band is cool this week. Keep it up guys. –Prof Armitage Dear Phawker, You rule! I like you so much better than Philebrity. Please don’t print my name. –Jonathan Valania Dear Phawker, Why do you have to use the F-word so much? –Jonathan’s Mother
We Know It’s Only Rock N’ Roll But We Like It
THINK LOCALLY, FUCK GLOBALLY: Gogol Bordello, Trocadero, Last Night BY JONATHAN VALANIA FOR THE INQUIRER Despite all the negative chatter the issue of immigration generates, the fact is Americas love the trial-and-error tragicomic saga of fresh-off-the-boat immigrants trying to fit their square peg into America’s round hole — the latest proof of such is the runaway success of the movie Borat. Before there was Borat, there was Taxi‘s Latka Gravas, Andy Kaufman’s lovable mechanic of mysterious Eastern European descent. And in between there was, and for that matter is, Gogol Bordello, led by human cannonball frontman Eugene Hutz, perhaps best […]
STUDY: 75% Of Americans Will Be Fat In 7 Years
More than three quarters of American adults will be overweight by 2015, a survey has found. A further 41 percent will be obese if people continue to gain weight at the current rate, according to the study by Johns Hopkins University. Dr. Youfa Yang, who led the study said: “Obesity is a public health crisis. If the rate of obesity and overweight continues at this pace, by 2015, 75 percent of adults and nearly 24 percent of U.S. children and adolescents will be overweight or obese.” The United States is the most overweight country in the world and the soaring […]
All Of This Happened While You Were Sleeping
SO HAPPY TOGETHER: Gogol Bordello, Last Night
RICH MAN, POOR MAN: The DHS Budget For Dummies
BY JEFF DEENEY A lot of blogs lead an entry off by saying “we do/watch/listen to X, so you don’t have to.” In this equation, X is usually a shitty band’s new record or something. Big whoop, so you watched TV for me. What have you done for me lately? Tell you what I did: I read the city’s 100-page Department of Human Services planning and budget document released by the City of Philadelphia — so you don’t have to. Why? Because nobody’s going to read one end to end unless they’re earning comp time, and the fact is, that’s […]
PAPERBOY: Even Hot, Wet Surferboys Need Insurance
BY AMY Z. QUINN Like time, news waits for no man. Keeping up with the funny papers has always been an all-day job, even in the pre-Internets era. These days, however, it’s a two-man job. That’s right — these days you need someone to do your reading for you, or risk falling hopelessly behind and, as a result, increasing your chances of dying lonely and somewhat bitter. Hey, we know how it is — so many words to read, so little time to surf for free porn. That’s why every week, PAPERBOY does your alt-weekly reading for you, freeing up […]
GREAT MOMENTS IN BLOGGING HISTORY: How I Became A Cancer Patient Hater
Don’t know if you saw this, but I just wanted to set the record straight. It just so happens that during my brief tenure at Philebrity, I made use of a secret taping system — the specifics aren’t important, but here is a transcript of the conversation that fateful day: June 21st, 2006, Phileb Headquarters, Northern Liberties 9:24 a.m. Sweeney: [coughs] Damn, this is good shit! Valania: No thank you. Only dopes use dope. Sweeney: So what do ya got? Valania: I think we should make fun of Steven Wells’ cancer. Sweeney: My God, man! That’s unconscionable! People won’t stand […]
MEDIA: How The MSM Is Killing Americans
BY JONATHAN VALANIA Ok, so the header is a tad inflammatory, but hang on: I can prove this to you. Ahem. So, let’s look at the above screengrab of the front page of KYW’s website. Leader of al Qaeda in Iraq captured? Oh, well, that sounds like good news, right? Wait, it gets better. Beneath that it says “he told interrogators that Osama Bin Laden’s inner circle wields considerable influence over the Iraqi group.” Holy mackerel! That’s exactly what the President has been saying! God bless America! But wait. Oh, snap! It says right here the president has actually been […]
THE EARLY WORD: On Bardo Pond
[Click image to activate Internets]
CONTEST: WE HAVE A WINNER!
Matt Goldfine and his best Plus One is going to see Gogol Bordello tonight at Troc! Unfortunately, while his caption for this photo is undeniably funny, we are fairly sure we would fuck up our karma for eternity if we published it.
HECKUVA JOB, BROWNIE: Tube Maker Finally Fesses Up To 21 Hour Toxic Gas Leak — ONE WEEK LATER!
[Superior Tube Co., in Lower Providence Township] allowed the escape of more than 2,400 pounds of toxic gas into the air over a 2 1/2-hour period — more than 60 times the allowed amount, state officials said yesterday. Previously, Department of Environmental Protection officials had said only that the release of trichloroethylene (TCE) — a probable human carcinogen — was more than 100 pounds. The company released far more of the chemical than allowed, and it violated a requirement to report the problem within two hours, state officials said, waiting instead until 19 hours after the July 10 incident. The company’s […]