BY TAMMY ADARIS Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: Britney Spears is many things, but she is NOT fat. In fact, put her in any average suburban neighborhood, and she’d be Queen of the MILFs on any block. That is, however, in clothes that actually, you know, flatter her physique, not fillet it. But as we know all too well, nothing about the former Mrs. Federline — save her ongoing capacity to leave people who should know better by now gawking in horror — seems to fit properly. More disturbing than that vision of a doughy, vacant-eyed Britney is the thought of her moments before, looking in the dressing-room mirror at that outfit and saying, “Ding dang, ya’ll! I look hawt!”
Britney’s downfall on Sunday night can’t all be blamed on her thickened tummy and child-bearing hips, nor was it all the fault of her self-inflicted wardrobe malfunction, though the latter certainly did seem to emphasize the former. Ultimately, Britney’s VMA performance went off the tracks for the same reason every other aspect of her life has: Cluelessness. And I’m not just talking about the vapid blonde white-trash ignorance that she’s raised to an art form or her demonstrably distorted self-image. No, I’m talking about existential cluelessness. Britney doesn’t even know what she doesn’t even know. She’s still, like, all 14 in the soul, and shit. Which for the average 26-year-old might not be a big deal, but she has kids and an ex-husband and a musical career all of which she is fucking up quite nicely, thank you. And fittingly enough, it always seems to happen on camera.
Even the obligatory post-show cooter flash seemed tired and a little long in the tooth. It reminded me of the name of a friend’s blog: Last Year’s Pussy.
However, the downside of using Britney make yourself feel superior is that it’s like getting drunk on cheap
champagne — it’s fun while it lasts, but the day after you feel like ass. Deep in our snark hangovers, some women have started wondering aloud whether calling Britney “flabby” was a betrayal of the gender, not to mention the height of hypocrisy, and that critiquing her physique wasn’t sending exactly the wrong message to girls. Is it hypocritical for me, a woman who birthed only one baby and has plenty of junk in the trunk, to bust on Britney’s cheek-hang and side boobs? What kind of people are we, dissing her curves when a few months ago, we were all slobbering over what a victory it was for “real” women to see Jennifer Hudson clutching that Oscar?
I say feminism isn’t just about congratulating women and girls for loving their imperfect bodies, it’s about encouraging women to know themselves — not just as society expects them to be, but how they really are. It’s about encouraging girls to understand their weaknesses and capitalize on their strengths, to not simply to pine for success, but to go out and earn it. None of which Britney did on Sunday night. The takeaway for young girls shouldn’t be about the value we put on tight abs in and of themselves, but about the importance of work ethic, and why it’s probably not wise to go out boozing every night before your big comeback performance — especially when you are in and out of rehab. It’s not about kicking someone when she’s down, it’s about hoping she’ll see fit to pull herself up by her bra straps, get her shit together and act like a woman, instead of a foolish little girl.
RELATED: Britney Spears has no one to blame but herself for her disastrous performance at the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night. The lip-synching pop tart showed up for her big comeback late, unprepared and with a drink in her hand. “MTV wanted her to wear a corset outfit. It would have looked great and covered a lot of things up, but she hated it and didn’t think it was sexy enough.” Instead, Spears changed into a spangly bra-and-underwear outfit she’d brought with her that emphasized her weight gain over the last year. After Spears performed at the VMAs, she allegedly broke down in tears but then partied until 3 a.m. She changed outfits several times and again was photographed by paparazzi wearing no underwear. [via PAGE SIX]
GAYBO EXTRA: Leave Britney Alone!
[Hat tip to TOMMY ZANE]