BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is a just received excerpt from the text of Trump’s original (it was removed from the final text because his aids thought it might bring into question his diehard fans’ image of him as a “really smart guy”) self-congratulatory speech commemorating his “Great Trumpian Wall” and fulfillment of his pledge that fair, unbiased, comprehensive immigration legislation would never get passed during his four-year tenure as neo-Fascist in Chief … well, sorta:
I have asked you to gather here today to kick off my executive order proclaming that henceforth the 12th of January shall be recognized as Make America Pastel Again (MAPA) day. We’ll also be dispensing with the Make America Great Again (MAGA) and Keep America Great (KAG) stuff given the bad press it appears to have generated and the fact that Fox News appears to have fallen below even MSNBC in the most recent TV ratings. The order also mandates that MAPA day be recognized as a national holiday. I think you’ll agree that we need to recast ourselves as a softer, more subtle, slightly less uncivil movement while retaining all of our hardcore fake news factualizing in pursuit of the paler, more pliable, nationalistic society we strive to ultimately achieve. In addition, I am officially announcing a renaming of the Republican party. From this day forth it is going to be called the Trump Adoration and Subservience Society (TASS)–and, yes, the change has received Putin’s express approval and endorsement. So, having dispensed with my formal comments, what do you think of my great big beautiful 450 mile wall (yeah, I know I promised you 1000 miles, but I’d planned to split it up between two terms)?! Isn’t it wonderful?! Isn’t it fantastic?! Believe me, no one does fences better than me!! It’s spectacular, right?! Tell me, who does walls better than The Donald?! No one!! Isn’t it simply tremendous!! I ask you, who builds barriers bigger and better than Donald J. Trump?! Nobody!!
Anyway, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve got scores of acolytes (yeah, I admit I had to look that one up) among you passing out our new Trump slogan caps. Help yourself. You’ll notice that these new TASS caps themselves and the monogramming have changed colors. Available stock slogans have been reworded as well. The bright, all-orange cap represents my most recognizable feature and sets a whole new standard for immediate association with me. The snow white of the monogramming stands for–well, I think you can guess what gave me the inspiration for that. They’re free and you can have as many as you like. Take some home for your insurgent friends and relatives.
Stock slogans include: Make America Pastel Again; MAPA; Trump Adoration And Subservience Society; TASS; It’s A Whole New Wall Game; Stolen But Still Rollin’; Still Humpin’ For Trump; Truth Is For Twits; Facts Are For Fools; and one that is certain to grab their attention–but be careful to not get caught having to provide a definition–Tergiversators For Trump. And, if you have another catchy slogan in mind, just leave your name, address, email and/or twitter handle, current family income and bank balance, along with what you’d like the cap to display. We’ll monogram and mail it to you free of charge (keeping in mind, of course, that whatever wording you request must reflect positively on my image and/or our collective xenophobia). It’s the least I can do–short of a full pardon–to show my appreciation for your continued sedition and support.
Incidentally, Mexico has informed me that delivery of the check to cover construction costs has probably been held up by the COVID, but it’s definitely in the mail.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octogenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.