BY WILLIAM C. HENRY So there I was in the waiting room waiting to be called for my MRI and I happened to pick up a copy of American Rifleman to pass the time. I’d been thinking about purchasing a small handgun off and on for some time and thought I’d bone up on available options. Now, for me to be seen reading AR is a wee bit like Robert Reich getting caught with a copy of Barry Goldwater’s Conscience of a Conservative on his nightstand. Anyway, leafing through it I was mildly surprised to come across not just one but three different articles belaboring how those dastardly liberals (read: Democrats) are still absolutely, positively dead set on finding a way to take away not just every last American’s guns but every last piece of their ammo as well! I mean, imagine my shock and awe upon learning that the only thing standing between liberal politicians and the total and complete disarming of the great American public posse is the National Rifle Association! Holy Daisy and everything dear to my childhood!
I ask you, is there a more paranoid organization on the face of this earth? Can there possibly be a more schizoid assemblage anywhere in the entire bloody universe? I guess what I’m trying to understand is how anyone could come to believe that the government would be able to confiscate all of America’s rifles and handguns even if it wanted to? In 2013 it was estimated that there were around 300 MILLION guns in private hands in the United States. I imagine, given the continuing unfounded fear of the last few years, you can safely raise that figure to at least 325 MILLION now. To me, believing that the government could somehow expropriate firearms on a scale that grand is as silly as thinking the government is somehow capable of rounding up and deporting some 20 million illegal aliens! Thinking either of those fairy tales to be physically possible, let alone financially conceivable, isn’t just preposterous, it’s surreal. Does anyone really believe that the American populace would stand for it?
Furthermore, have the “believers” ever considered the fact that probably 90 percent of the “confiscators” the government would have to rely on — can you spell U.S. Army and every American police force? — to round up and cart away said firepower are themselves part of the greater gun owning, gun loving and/or gun collecting community who believe with every fiber of their being that the public has an inalienable right to keep and bear arms? Will someone please tell me precisely who it is that’s determined to take our guns away. Tell me exactly how they’re going to accomplish it. No generalities. No speculation. No theories. No make-believe. No “what ifs.” No “well, it’s possibles.” In a sane, rational manner explain to me how the government could plausibly take away all the public’s firepower. Lay out a sound, reasonable justification for all the trepidation. Show me where and how it’s been successfully executed in the past, especially on a scale as would be necessary in a country such as ours that from the beginning has had such an extraordinarily strong tradition of private gun ownership. And while you’re at it, please explain to me just how the opposition political party (I’m pretty sure we know which one I’m referring to) is to be neutralized and/or rendered altogether impotent. Or, better yet, explain to me in detail just how and why the National Rifle Association is going to be standing idly by while all of this transpires.
Lastly, another of the NRA’s irrational (at least to my mind) fears is that of the government requiring that every firearm be officially registered. For all the reasons I’ve listed above, what earthly difference would it make? Hadn’t you noticed that the government requires your automobile to be registered? One of the reasons for doing so is to establish clear ownership with the belief that an automobile in the wrong hands or operated improperly can be a very dangerous contraption. As a matter of fact, automobiles cause as many deaths in the U.S. as firearms do! Pray tell, is anyone the least bit concerned about the government trying to take away their cars? Am I comparing apples to apples? Of course not, but there are a few similarities. Absurd analogy? Probably. But no more absurd than believing there’s some heinous liberal/Democrat/government conspiracy afoot to take away all of our shooters.
This just in: Vince Vaughn wants every school to have guns! Not sure if his feelings on the subject pertain to, a) armed guards should patrol all schools, b) all teachers and administrators should be armed and carry, c) every student should be armed and carry, or d) all of the above. From what I’ve heard so far, I’m leaning toward apportionment d). No doubt he intends to include some follow-up clarification — maybe at a later date or after further cogitation — as to age and/or grade restrictions (if any), caliber restrictions (if any), magazine and/or barrel length restrictions (if any), semi- or full automatic restrictions (if any), full throttle or silenced (optional?), and open (required?) or concealed carry or toter’s choice. Also stay tuned to see if forks are to be allowed in lunch pails. Snowden sends his regards.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.