BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY So the Giants won. I hate them. At least the Patriots lost. Hate those cheaters too. Now let’s review the commercials. A true Super Bowl Ad can only air while the game is being played, so pregame and halftime ads are out. Forget the “straight” ones too…the car commercials, movie trailers, TV promos and others that just aren’t going for a laugh. The rest were trying to be funny or cool, and I’ve given them a ranking from 0-10. Anything that scored a six or higher I considered funny. The strategy now is to try to get publicity by releasing the ad early; I took pains to avoid seeing any of these commercials beforehand, so I could judge them in context. The last two years, Unfunny has had the edge, winning 27-21 last year and 28-21 the season before. Would 2012 be the year the laughs had the edge? Don’t hold your breath.
First Quarter:
Bud Light Platinum: This is our leadoff spot? Not funny or cool or relevant. And there’s no way to make Bud Light “Platinum”…swill labeled platinum is still swill. 2
Audi “Vampires”: Really going places until the tagline, “Daylight, now in a headlight”. Who out there is disappointed with their headlights? So stupid. 3
Pepsi “Elton John”: I liked the beginning and the end, when Flavor Flav showed up. My expectations are dropping, something’s got to pass. 6
Hyundai “Cheetah”: People mauled by animals=hilarious. Not. 2
Bud Light Platinum #2: People get paid to get shitfaced at work. Or they stay after hours and get shitfaced with their coworkers, all of whom are under 25 and attractive. I love America. 1
Naked M&M: Lets appeal to the Lowest Common Denominator…I see your underwear!! 3
Best Buy Phones: You can buy a phone there. 1
Coca-Cola Polar Bears: He won’t uncross his arms even though he loves coke. 2
Chevy Mayan Apocalypse: It’s hard to hand out good scores to such mediocrity, but if I don’t start getting generous, it’s going to be all 1s and 2s. 6
Bridgestone Tire-Football: Not funny, but not moronic 4
Go Daddy.co This campaign has been terrible for years. The Hooters of domain name registries. Sorry, Hooters. 0
Second Quarter:
Budweiser “Prohibition Over”: Then they tasted Budweiser, and voluntary prohibition resumed. 4
Doritos “Missing Cat”: I laughed. Dead cats are funny. 7
Camaro Graduation Gift: Sorta funny, not stupid or offensive. They still make commercials like this? 7
Tax Act Kid Pees in Pool: Cute kid. But the ad makes no sense. Still, messing with sisters is worth something. 6
Volkswagon “Fat Dog”: Cute spot, plus played on last year’s Darth Vader ad. 6
America’s Got Talent w/Howard Stern: A firehose? 4
H&M w/David Beckham: Been aching for a chance to see David Beckham shirtless with all his awful tattoos. They want $15 for those tighty whities? Fuck off. 1
Coca-Cola Polar Bears #2: Polar Bears don’t slip on ice, they are adapted to it. Get a zoological consultant. 1
Chevy Sonic “Stunts”: That looks like a good way to waste money. The stunts, not the ad. Actaully, the ad too. 3
Teleflora.com “Valentine’s Night”: “Give and you shall receive” she said. No matter what I give, all I’m going to receive is anecdotes about how much she hates work. 3
Sketchers “Dog Race”: In 2012 America, this moonwalking dog is highbrow. Why did we need Mark Cuban? 6
Cars.com “confidence”: Maybe I’m getting giddy already, but that singing head cracked me up. “Hey baby I really want that car.” Probably creeped a lot of you out. 6
Doritos baby snatch: Too dangerous for a baby. 2
ETrade Talking Baby: I swear that 30 seconds before this ad I said to my wife, “Hey, no talking babies this year.” If only. 1
Halftime: I love it when MIA talks dirty to America with her finger. I loved that Madonna was led on the field by 45 Trojans. That’s about how many rubbers I’d need before I’d stick it in Madonna. World Peace, yo.
Third Quarter:
xfinity “House-on-Wheels”: I guess this was a good metaphor for internet speed. But I hate Comcast. 0
Progressive.com “Flo”: This campaign can’t go away quickly enough. I swear to never use Progressive. 1
Fiat Abarth: My first car was a Fiat. Sadly, a hot chick alone does not make a good commercial. 5
Pepsi Max for life: maybe they were only given 15 seconds to come up with an idea. Otherwise, inexcusable. 3
Camry reinvented: passable. 6
Coca-Cola Polar Bears #3: Get back in the cave, you’re missing the game. And that’s, like, your fourth Coke. Ease up. 1
Oikos yogurt: Misandrous and cruel. He was just being playful. And the yogurt looks crappy. My least favorite non-talking-baby ad of the Super Bowl. So far. 0
Century 21 “Smarter Bolder Faster”. I just didn’t get it. If she was “smarter”, she wouldn’t have told Donald Trump that he had overpaid. Any businessman who feels he’s been had will be less likely to make future deals. In Deion’s house, I feel that the unicorn, rhythmic gymnasts and especially the DJ would only distract from the house showing and possibly lead to unnecessary questions about what was included with the home. Deion’s cookies were a much simpler and more personal idea. A very stupid ad. 2
Acura NSX: Jerry Seinfeld with the Soup Nazi, aliens, ziplines and Leno. Quality. 8
Budweiser “War is Over”. Way too distracted by what they had done to that Cult song to follow this bizarre ad. Didn’t hate it, so we’ll say innocent until proven guilty. 6
Bridgestone Tire Basketball: I don’t know. OK I guess. That tire basketball sure was quiet. Ultimitely failed for overpaying for Tim Duncan and Steve Nash when they were completely unnecessary. 5
NFL Million Dollar Giveaway: Super-short but funny. 6
NFL Evolution: That was CGI wasn’t it? It looked real, but I don’t like fakery. 3
Acura NSX with Seinfeld: Again? Funnier the first time. If you’re going to buy two slots and pay for Seinfeld, make two commercials you lazy bums. You don’t pay writers? 4 (half of original score)
4th Quarter:
Honda CRV: With Ferris Broderick. Not quite a home run but I was smiling through the whole thing. 7
Metlife Cartoons: Lots of great cartoon characters that had absolutely no connection to anything, especially the product. 4
Hyundai Passenger Faints: I know it’s hard to be funny and advertise a car simultaneously. 4
Bud Light “Here Weego”: I pretty much always hate the Bud Light commercials just slightly less than I hate Bud Light. This one was better than usual, in an “SNL Sketch” way…one joke told 38 times. I’m feeling generous. 6
Kia Optima Sandman: Awesome. They had me from the point the Sandman slipped and dumped all that fairy dust on our protagonist. Motley Crue blows but this ad kicked ass. 9 [Really? Old Motley Crew is old.–The Ed.]
Careerbuiler.com Monkeys in office: monkeys=always funny. 7
NBC Thursday lineup: I know I said promos were out, but this was more like a commercial. And kinda funny. Couldn’t they just take turns cranking the wheel? 5
Samsung Galaxy Note: Was that really the guy from The Darkness singing “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”? I’ve never liked parades, and I care even less for wild overreaction to technology that will be obsolete by summer. This commercial bugged me.1
Go Daddy “Dream”. Ugh. There isn’t even any camp value. +1 for scantily clad babes. 1
Final Score: Unfunny 32, Funny 16. It’s a drubbing, much worse than the previous two years. Thank the Polar Bears and goDaddy. The winner is Kia Optima “Sandman”, which would have been perfect with a better band. At least Motley Crue was probably dirt cheap.