Don’t know if you saw this, but I just wanted to set the record straight. It just so happens that during my brief tenure at Philebrity, I made use of a secret taping system — the specifics aren’t important, but here is a transcript of the conversation that fateful day:
June 21st, 2006, Phileb Headquarters, Northern Liberties 9:24 a.m.
Sweeney: [coughs] Damn, this is good shit!
Valania: No thank you. Only dopes use dope.
Sweeney: So what do ya got?
Valania: I think we should make fun of Steven Wells’ cancer.
Sweeney: My God, man! That’s unconscionable! People won’t stand for it!
Valania: I know, I know. I love that about it.
Sweeney: This time you have gone too far, Jonathan.
Valania: Are you kidding? People LOVE cancer jokes. Especially when it involves their loved ones. My grandmother died of cancer and we still laugh about it to this day. I’m tellin’ ya, this will kill!
Sweeney: You sir, have the unkempt manners of a Yalie.
Valania: I was thinking we could start a Steven Wells Death Watch, you know, maybe run a poll or an office betting pool.
Sweeney: You are FIRED!
Valania: Fine, I’ll just start my own damn blog.
And that friends, is how Phawker got started.
FURTHER READING: How I Became A Cancer Victim Hater
[DISCLAIMER: This is satire, this never happened]