BY TOMMY ZANE Here’s what I want to know about Anna Nicole: How can someone have so much money and be so unhappy? I mean, I just love hearing the sob stories of the rich. Daddy’s Little Girl can’t afford her Mercedes anymore because of her coke habit, or Biff can only go to Bermuda this summer instead of Italy, because Daddy lost some money in the stock market when Zimbabwe expelled the white farmers.
Of course, Anna Nicole came from nothing, but please don’t confuse her story with the American Dream. She fucked, sucked and schemed her way to the top. She gained weight, lost weight, ran her mouth, overdosed, basically anything for attention. I love a train wreck as much as the next, and I’ve certainly had my share of drama in my life, but I never made that the focus. Apparently, this Drama Mama has left many unanswered questions.
Who gets her money? More importantly, who has custody of her newborn baby? And who IS the father, anyway? Photographer Larry Birkhead, lawyer/lover Howard K. Stern and even Zsa Zsa Gabor’s mess of a husband, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, have all claimed paternity to Anna Nicole?s baby girl. I actually don’t think it’s any of them.
Here’s my List of Possible Anna Nicole Baby’s Daddies*:
Ed Rendell*
Ed has always been known for his wandering eye, and Anna Nicole is no exception. Gaybo?s mole at The Bellevue spotted Fast Eddie and Anna Nicole in the Men?s Room on the 19th floor last spring — sharing a bucket of KFC extra crispy in their underwear!
Michael Jackson
Everyone knows that the weird are attracted to the weirder. Anna Nicole flew to Dubai last June on a top-secret mission to meet Michael, who I’m told wanted some caramel popcorn and wasn’t pleased with what was available. He threatened to put a beat down on Bubbles the chimp, so Anna Nicole appeared with some good ol’ American caramel popcorn to save the day. Of course they didn’t really have sex; Michael passed out from too much Jesus Juice — plus she’s too old and a girl.
Joey Vento*
Miss Smith blew through Philly and stopped by Geno’s for a sandwich. Being a smartass, Anna Nicole ordered in French. ‘Je voudrais le cheesesteak s’il vous plais?’ Of course, this made Joey mad, which in turn, horned him up. Hey, some like it rough.
Alf
Only a creature from another planet could truly appreciate Anna Nicole Smith. One drunken night, Anna Nicole was rolling around in the Beverly Hills grass, writhing from Tina addiction. She stopped for a minute, looked up in the sky and saw a spaceship. It landed, Alf was sporting wood, and Anna Nicole rode on top while the alien life form secretly filmed the whole shebang. The movie was a big hit on Alf’s planet, so big in fact that there is talk Anna Nicole?s not really dead, just living La Dolce Vita on Alf’s planet.
THREESOME OF THE WEEK
NBA’s retired player Tony Tim “I hate gay people” Hardaway, Philly mayoral candidate Milton “I held a press conference in a McDonald’s” Street, and Britney “shaved her head and in dire need of help” Spears.
*This is satire. Any resemblance to actual events, reality, the truth or any persons living or dead or purely coincidental and unintentional.