Dear Britney,I see you’re back in rehab, and I say congratulations. OK, I hear it only happened after your mom threatened to take away your kids, but if she had to tough-love you for the sake of her grandkids, too bad. Those boys deserve better than what you’re giving them right now. Look, honey, you had two babies in two years, saw your marriage fall apart and went a little batshit for a while there. It’s cool, and it happens to every one of us in some way — you just had enough money, enablers and access to publicity to make your breakdown spectacular. Luckily for you, you also have the money to afford good treatment and your mom seems certainly capable of looking after your kids — so go. Take a few weeks and get your head together, reset your body, get the enemas (Eva raved about ’em!). Let your hair grow out a little bit. Or don’t. But if you do shave it again, do it this time because you like how it looks, not to get your mother’s attention. You’re too old for that foolishness. I see your manager/enabler asked everyone to respect your privacy, and hypocritical as that sounds given you’ve spent the last six months flashing your twat at people, you deserve a taste of the anonymity most recovering addicts enjoy. So fine, have privacy. I have a feeling we’ll survive not hearing about you for a few weeks.
Luv and 12 steps,
Mother Phawker
UPDATE: Perez Hilton says Britney checked herself out of rehab again, and headed for the Chateau Marmont with frozen credit cards. You sad little fool, I almost want to say you deserve whatever happens next. And anyone who’s ever been through this with an addict knows what happens next — cut off from your family, your money and your drug supply, you’ll act out in some outrageous way before you hit bottom again. Here’s hoping you make it back to rehab in one piece. Two words, Brit: Anna Nicole.