EDITOR’S NOTE: First, let me say we are positively flattered to rank up there with Monkeyfister and Daily Pulse — feels like we’ve arrived. Second, ordinarily we couldn’t care less if this guy fucked rocks, as long as the rocks were consenting adults. Whatever gets you through the night, man. But this guy runs with a pack of Christo-fascist Elmer Gantrys that used their considerable influence over their mega-church flocks to whip up a lot of misinformed and gullible people into a baseless hysteria about gay people, just so they could turn out the vote for their RNC taskmasters. We have no patience for bullies, least of all those in the pulpit, and even less for a big fat hypocrite bully in the pulpit. It would be un-Jesus-like enough if Ted Haggard was
at least sincere in his gay-baiting, but it was all a cynical lie. People, he was FUCKING ANOTHER MAN FOR FOUR YEARS! And now they’ve ‘cured’ him. Like he got a hold of a bag of meth cut with a little too much gay and just wasn’t the same for a while. Thanks to the “ministering” of his brethren he’s back to “completely heterosexual” — well, on behalf of heterosexuals everywhere let me be the first and possibly last to say: Hoo-fucking-ray for our team! Let me spell it out for you: You are gay, Ted, some people just ARE. A minority percentage of every living species is g-a-y — it’s called SCIENCE, look into it! You are not the first holy man to get his piety caught in his zipper and won’t be the last, but take it like a man. Look, it’s not like I’m incapable of forgiveness. I still go to David Lynch movies, after all. But you, sir, remain a liar to yourself and deceiver of others and, increasingly, a sad pawn in a farcical Christian Right cover-up, not to mention the punchline to some sick Culture War joke that just isn’t funny any more. As such, Jesus still has to love you, but I don’t.