BY TOMMY ZANE There are a lot of things that can put a queen in a mood. The right to not marry, Red Cross’ homophobic ban on blood-donating by ALL gay men, still in effect since the eighties, and dumbasses that ask you about the “Iggles game” in the elevator at work, assuming you give a damn. Just to name a few. This week, I experienced three of my favorites:
Gaybo’s Pet Peeve #1: Let’s start with pets — dogs to be exact. Dear Straight Friend Colette and her hunky husband Cliff live down in Old City. (They bought a condo five years ago when you could still get a bargain for under $500,000.) Ramon and I love to walk down to their neighborhood and hit one of those primo restaurants for a meal. The thing I’ve noticed lately? Dogs everywhere! Now, I love the creatures and had a loyal German Shepherd when I was a kid, but pet owners are another matter. I especially like the bitches dragging their dog (literally) down the street while chatting on their cell phones, not paying any mind to their animal trying to relieve itself. Precious. Of course once they finally do poop, many of the owners don’t pick it up. The fucking nerve! I saw one shifty guy perpetrate this crime and walked right up to him and said, “Hey! Your dog just shit on the sidewalk. Aren’t you going to pick it up so someone doesn’t step in it? 
HUH?!?!?” He looked at me like I just punched his mother. Wish I had. She didn’t raise him very well.
Gaybo’s Pet Peeve #2: Talking at the movies. Have we really raised a generation of folks who can’t keep their mouths shut? Do you really think you’re so important that we really need to hear you talk throughout a film? The only speaking I want to hear during a film is what comes from the movie speakers or, “Get out! There’s a fire!” Save that incredibly funny joke for your myspace profile. Someone should open a theatre chain where tape is placed on the mouths of all incessant gabbers. I’d gladly quit my day job for the chance to duct tape the cake hole on these assholes.
Gaybo Pet Peeve #3 — Harassing gay folks in the street. I had the misfortune of nearly getting my skull crushed this week. My Lovely and I were walking up 8th Street from South when three vehicles full of drunken Jersey frat boys stopped their cars to mess with us. They were obviously drunk driving and itching for a fight. Ramon doesn’t back down very easily, so I was prepared for the worst. Fortunately, one of Philly’s finest pulled up just as the jerks were getting physical. I was relieved to see the police, but I couldn’t help thinking how lucky we were. There are people gay bashed, harassed and jeered at every day in this city. So fuck you very much, Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman.
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ESPANA’S CINEMATIC GEMS
Spain currently has two fine films to offer U.S. moviegoers, “Volver” and “Pan’s Labyrinth“. “Volver” is Pedro Almodovar’s latest creation and stars Penelope Cruz as a self-determined Mother trying to raise her daughter with little resources. Carmen Maura plays opposite Cruz as her ghost-like and long- estranged Mother. Both ladies are excellent in this noir-ish Almodovar instant classic. Guillermo del Toro has directed “Pan’s Labyrinth”, set in postwar Franco’s Spain. Ivana Baquero is an Anne Frank-like young girl escaping the misery of war into a fairytale existence. The film is a great statement against the ravages of war and sad testament to its awful psychic costs. Both films are in Spanish with English subtitles. Lucky for me, I already speak some Spanish. Donde esta en la cocina? That means “where is the kitchen?” So now you know.
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YouTube Clip of The Week: Espana’s Swingin’ Salome wins Eurovision, 1969
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THREESOME OF THE WEEK
Sandra “still workin’ it” Bernhard filling the Prince Theatre with laughter this past weekend, Jennifer “Got the Golden Globe now here comes The Oscar” Hudson, and 2008 Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary “Big surprise, I’m running” Clinton. Let the bearded clambake begin!
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ?heard good things.? Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy?s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We?ll have a gay old time!