TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: The 49th Annual Grammy Awards nominations were announced late last week; time to peruse the list for standout Extra Gay Choices! Let’s start with Miss Mary J. Blige. Ramon calls her the dark-skinned Judy Garland who got off the junk and pulled herself together before the shit killed her. Nominated for eight Grammys, this girl definitely ranks high with queens through every note of pain that comes from her mouth. All the pain she must have inside her shines right through in her singing.
Yeah, that’s what I meant. The Dixie Chicks? Start with the name. Sounds like Chicks With Dicks — an obvious, cheap joke. In all seriousness, who else but the Dixie Chicks can conjure up all the angst a gay person feels when shunned by his family? “Not Ready To Make Nice” is like telling off Dear Old Dad. Beyonce? Well, duh. If you can’t figure out why she’s so gay-friendly, I’ll smack you upside your weave. Black Eyed Peas, Corinne Bailey Rae — even the Pussycat Dolls got a nod!
Who chooses these nominations, the drunken Vegas Strip hookers? My favorite category is Best Dance Recording. Madonna, Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, Justin Timberlake and Goldfrapp. I love Alison Goldfrapp! I would have her baby, I swear on a stack of condoms!
My pick for Miss Fag Hag 2006 goes to Christina Aguilera. Miss XXXTina rips the roof off the sucka and looks fabulous. Plus, she married that hot Jewish music executive, Jordan Bratman. Extra points for wise partnering choices. Props to runner-up drag queen wannabe Pink and singer-songwriter turned slutty cock-tease, Nelly Furtado. Then, there’s the hottie fantasy beauty boys nominated for Grammys — I’d still jump John Mayer in a heartbeat, or Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers Even that Brit James Blunt doesn’t look half bad with his shirt off in that overplayed song/video, “You’re Beautiful”. Of course, Mr. Hottie of the Year 2006 is reserved for Justin Timberlake. I have two words for Justin: “Take it!”
Yep, it looks like a Gay Tornado is swirling around the Grammys this year. Huh. I guess The Gays really do run the record industry. Telephone call, Mr. Geffen?
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Friday night, Ramon and I went to his huge Fortune 500 company’s non-holiday-specific holiday bash. The company (media giants) provided a karaoke set-up for the hard-working employees and guests. It didn’t take long for the R. Kellys and Luthers to show up, “sangin'” their best for the adoring crowd. I always get the biggest charge from the women singers. No Patti LaBelles here, but an Anita Baker and a Cissy Houston tore that shit up with their takes on Aretha’s “Respect”. These are the gals who’ve been singing in church since they were 5, and they were ready to use what God gave them.
I even attempted George Michael’s part in the Vintage ’80s George/Aretha duet “I Knew You Were Waiting.” A little confession, though. I really wasn’t feeling any holiday spirit, and all the shopping was bringing me down, but these karaoke Dreamgirls really lifted my spirits.
And as my old neighbor in West Philly, Miss Baker, used to say, “Speak the truth and shame the devil!” Thank you, ladies of song, for your heart and energy. You’re too old for American Idol, but Showtime at the Apollo is auditioning.
Speaking of Dreamgirls and American Idol runners-up, have you heard that Jennifer Hudson is going to win an Oscar for her role as Effie in “Dreamgirls”? I’m sure the film’s star, Miss Beyonce, is none too thrilled about that. Uh huh.
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THREESOME OF THE WEEK: Donald “Just Go the Hell Away Already” Rumsfeld, Chakka “You Can’t Have It Both Ways on Mumia” Fattah, and Mary “We’re Knitting You a Rainbow Baby Blanket” Cheney.
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ?heard good things.? Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy?s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We?ll have a gay old time!