TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: My lover Ramon [not pictured, lower right] and I ventured forth into South Jersey this weekend, to spend some time with his family in Vineland. Mamacita was only too happy to see her favorite hijo. It was me, Ramon, Mamacita and his 49 cousins — in a pull out sofa. Or at least that’s how it felt, grabbing and crowding me all the time.
Anyway, Ramon got nostalgic to see his old haunts, so off to Cumberland Mall we went. Now, this is no King of Prussia, with four flagship stores. No way. This is your typical run down, lowball, loser-ass kinda mall. And it was Friday night, during Christmas shopping season. What sights to behold!
We checked out Ramon’s old employer, Chess King. That was long gone and replaced with Hot Topic. All these
creepy goth teenagers, some doing time at The Columbine Training Center, real miserable-faced bastards. We got an ice cream at Unfriendly’s, which also goes by SoSlowly’s which merged with SoPimply’s. The gay teen boys had such looks of desperation in their eyes. The manager ran out to the parking lot and I could swear I saw her slugging whiskey from a flask. At FYE, I found a cheap copy of “Carnival of Souls” but didn’t plan on the 4-year-old’s lollipop smear as I waited in line to pay.
We zipped through JCPenney looking for an exit and caught a nasty 30-something druggie couple screeching over some sneakers. That carried out to the parking lot, and I saw security rushing over to cool things off.
Ramon & I drove down the road to grab a meal at The Millville Queen Diner, and what an ugly, inbred, obese group of people splayed out before us. It was like wandering into the House of Horrors at the amusement park. They offered us free day-old shrimp. An African-American woman wore the hat Oprah donned in The Color Purple. Now I know where all the carnies go off-season: Millville. There must have been an extra 10 percent off the bill if you weighed over 300 lbs.
That night, I dreamed I was visited by The Ghost of Retail Past, in the form of Two Guys Department store, a relic Target-type establishment from the 1970s. Two Guys took me to a bar where all the old stores were drinking and partying. Clover and Grants were playing darts, Bradlees made a pass at Woolco and Montgomery Ward was stripping. He invited me to join him on the box, then I woke up.What does it all mean? Am I whoring myself too much for cheap bargains?
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Last Tuesday, I met up with a singer friend who just finished some recording in the studio and brought his sound engineer with him for coffee. This guy is in his late fifties, and has seen and worked with them all. Chaka Khan this and Stephanie Mills that — a real name dropper.
My favorite tale was one of a huge mid-80s gay R&B music producer who spent some time in the klink for tax evasion.Amusingly, he must be the only queen to go into jail gay and come out straight. He married a girl and asked her to use a dildo on him. She begrudgingly did so. One night, she asked if he was at least thinking of her when she did him. His response? Fuck no! I’m thinking of Richard Gere!
Well, that marriage ended abruptly and he returned to his gay ways.
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THREESOME OF THE WEEK: Britney and her various beaver shot poses, Milton Street for finally being indicted, and Danny DeVito for his drunk-up-on-limoncello performance on The View.
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SOFT BOYZ: “Never Be Lonely” By The Feeling
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you “heard good things.” Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy’s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!