ADVERTISEMENT: We Are Not Your Mother, Your Mother Is At Home…

All drunk-up again. Watching “Deal or No Deal.” ASK MOTHER PHAWKER instead. Sure, you could always call and ask mommy, but that will just turn into a whole ‘thing.’ EVERY TUESDAY & THURSDAY What with the shouting and the running and the exploding and the crying. ONLY ON PHAWKER. There is a rumor out there that Mother Phawker is actually Valania wearing his mom’s flesh tuxedo in some kinda bizarre Ed Gein homage. No, no and no. First of all, you sick fux, my mom is alive and well and driving me NUTS, bless her heart. Besides, she would never fit me. Second of all, it’s an insult to the wit and wisdom of our Ma Phawker, who pours her prodigious bosom into those answers because, even though we’ve given up on you people a long time ago, she is your mother and she loves you no matter what. Repeat, your mom needs a break. Haven’t you asked her enough stupid questions over the years? Your mom needs a break. Haven’t you asked her enough stupid questions over the years? Instead, direct all I-need-a-hug, it-hurts-when-I-pee and other how-to-deal inquiries to Mother@phawker.com. Even though we gave up on you years ago. SHE LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT.