To the Editors at Phawker,
Let me first say, I enjoy many parts of your publication. You do an superb job of blending various elements of news into a Blog format. However, I honestly think you need to replace your “Rock Music” critic, the so-called King Ed. His recent review of the new Raconteurs album was shallow and condescending to say the least. While I realize it was an “insta-review” and he was purely commenting from his first listen; it is evident that he was going to hate the album from the outset. He took a sarcastic tone to the whole review (and I am generally all for sarcasm) and barely discussed the actual content of the album. He spent most the time referencing mildly obscure artists, in an attempt to make himself look knowledgeable, taking the time to bold each
one. I am not simply an enraged Raconteurs fan. I have read some of his other writings, and find them trite at their best. The man is clearly out of touch with the music scene; you would be much better off with a different person writing for you, namely myself. I kid you not. While I have no formal experience in writing music reviews, I have been featured on The History Channel discussing the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival. I am also credited in numerous music publications (Rolling Stone and Billboard, to say the least) as being the person responsible for uncovering and leaking the Bonnaroo 2007 line-up. I’m confident in my skills as a writer, having majored in Politics and Philosophy. I would be happy to work for your publication, and I can assure you I would be a more fair-minded, intellectual critic.
Thanks for time.
– Dylan
Ithaca, New York
DEAR DYLAN,
I am sorry you found Ed King’s review of the new Raconteurs to be so irksome. Perhaps that is partly my fault. You see, Ed King is a nom de plume for a prominent member of the 
musical-industrial complex who could never speak with such unvarnished honesty and vitriol under his own byline for fear of losing his job — and you would be SHOCKED to learn just what that is. I encouraged Ed to contribute blistering music critiques for Phawker, in part to parody the been-there-done-that jaded-fucking-indie-guy-snark you often get from, say, Pitchfork or the guy behind the cash register at your better mom-and-pop record stores. Because I like your moxie — turning a rant against one of our writers into a job interview — I am hereby assigning you to write a counter-review of the new Raconteurs. You have 24 hours.
best,
Jonathan Valania
Editor-in-Chief
Phawker.com
