Artwork via JEREMYBINNS.COM

BY WARREN LIPKA As you may have heard, the pope met in secret with Kim Davis some time before he came to Philly.  Jesus H. Christ! That’s like the pope meeting with the bus driver that told Rosa Parks to stand up or get off the bus. What’s next, the pope met with George Zimmerman? We are not but three days out from all the peace, love and understanding of #popeadelphia and now I’m picturing Kim Davis, red-faced, crying her eyes out, mouth open fish-like, holding hands with the pope. Jesus Chysler! I just threw up in my soul a little bit.

Remember Popeadelphia? It was a beautiful thing. Nearly a million people together in one place and almost nobody was an asshole for a change. The cops didn’t kill any unarmed black guys. Nobody blew themselves up in a crowd. There was no angry loner with a rifle on the fifth floor of the school book depository, or if there was he held his fire. There were no car bombs or truck bombs or any kind of bombs. The media ignored Donald Trump. Local favorites like WaWa provided enough pallets of bottled water to keep everyone pissing clear while waiting at Jefferson Station.  There were huge viewing screens throughout the city for all of those who did not have a ticket to see the pope say things like, “We remember the great struggles which led to the abolition of slavery, the extension of voting rights, the growth of the labor movement, and the gradual effort to eliminate every kind of racism and prejudice directed at successive waves of new Americans.”

Then Pope Francis had to go and make it weird. Turns out the whole time he was here the pope had a terrible secret he kept from everyone, because like the Lord, popes work in mysterious ways. Her lawyer said that the pope thinks what Kim Davis did was courageous. He says the pope held her hand and told her that.  This is confusing.  What exactly did he consider courageous? That she stood up to two men who love each other and want to commit to each other for life, in sickness and in health, until death do they part and said, in so many words ‘Not on my watch, faggots!’  This is what the pope is applauding? A woman who confuses ‘religious freedom’ with the right of a public official, and elected judge no less, to discriminate against people whose religious beliefs, or lack thereof, she doesn’t like? If Jesus came back today and saw this he would never stop vomiting.

The pope is savvy man, a political creature who knows how to use the media to his advantage, when to let the cameras in (when he’s kissing babies or washing the feet of the poor) and when to keep them out (when he’s giving Archbishop Chaput a wink and a nod and a pat on the back for fighting any change in PA law that would allow victims of priest rape more time to sue their abusers).  He knows that a meeting with Kim Davis will be a big deal and deliver a powerful message.  What is his message?  It was a reminder. People forget that he is the head of the largest anti-gay organization in the world, a vast and gilded empire of homophobia.  Now they will remember.

The Donald, who we have long suspected is the Devil Himself, has decided to let Carrie I HATE FAGS Prejean keep her Miss California crown. Seeing as how beauty pageants are the lawn jockeys of NOW, and that Prejean is the living, breathing real-life version of Ricky Bobby’s wife in Talladega Nights, we can’t help but think that Carrie Prejean and Donald Trump deserve each other like mosquitos deserve malaria. Coming on the heels of telling Matt Lauer that her opposition to same-sex marriage is the ‘Biblically correct’ stance to take, Miss California further cheapens the Jesus Brand in this interview with Mr. Intolerance Himself, James Dobson of Focus On The Family, about her showdown with Perez Hilton:

Dobson: It sounded, Carrie, like your first reaction was to hedge, to say “Well, this is a free country” and then something took over.

Prejean: It really was a switch.

Dobson: And you did one of the most courageous things I’ve seen anybody your age or anybody else do. What was going on in your mind?

Prejean: I started off by saying I want to win this pageant so bad, I’ve worked so hard, I wanted to sound politically correct but still stay true to my values. But I just knew at that moment that God was just telling me “Carrie, how bad do you want this? Are you willing to compromise your beliefs for a one year crown of Miss USA.” And I just knew right there . . . And I said you know what and the switch went off. And I said, “A marriage should be between a man and a woman and that’s how it should be. ”

. . . . And I knew there was no way I was going to win Miss USA. No way.

Dobson: So you put it on the line, that’s what I mean when I said you’re courageous because this was the goal of your life to that point. And yet you gave it up. And yet the Lord is using you all over this country.

Prejean: And we are all faced with that at times. And just by me being here, I want to encourage other people that when you’re faced with an issue which you know in your heart what to say, but you’re faced with someone asking it, don’t ever compromise that just for pleasing them. Your goal should be to please God, not to please man . . . .

Dobson: Why did you give the answer you did with regard to the affirmation of marriage?

Prejean: . . . I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, “Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me and you need to share with all these people . . . you need to witness to them and you need to show that you’re not willing to compromise that for this title of Miss USA.” And I knew right here that it wasn’t about winning. It was about being true to my convictions. [via US NEWS & WORLD REPORT]

So, this is what Christianity has come to? Clueless silicone-injected bigotry from stone-cold lying beauty pageant bimbae? Stop the the Rapture we wanna get off. To paraphrase Frank Zappa, we’re not gay but there’s a whole lots of times we wish we could say we’re not straight — and this is one of them. As for same sex marriage, it really comes down to this: Either you think ‘all men were created equal,’ as the founding fathers stated explicitly, or you don’t. This being a free country you are entitled to think what you want, just as long as you understand that believing that all men (or for that matter women) are NOT created equal is the very definition of bigotry. Now, THAT is the crown we’d like to see Carrie Prejean wear.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

PS Carrie, that was not Satan, that was Perez Hilton. He is not the Lord Of Darkness, he is a celebrity blogger. A fine line to be sure, but there IS a difference. Please write this down so you remember it. Yes, it will be on the test.

RELATED: “If Jesus came back and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”  — Frederick, Hannah And Her Sisters

UPDATE: Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, Carrie Prejean, tossed around in the battle over gay marriage, will be a one-day guest host for Fox News Channel’s popular morning show Fox & Friends, Whispers learns. She will host the 6 a.m.-to-7 a.m. slot on May 27, filling in for Gretchen Carlson—the 1989 Miss America—who will be off that day.