BY JONATHAN VALANIA FOR PHILADELPHIA MAGAZINE It’s the Ides of March, a date that lives in infamy, the day that Julius Caesar was betrayed and butchered by members of the Roman Senate — friends, Romans and countrymen, to a man. That was back in 44 BCE, and it’s been a bad-omen day ever since. But John Fetterman, the hulking lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania and, as such, the president of the state Senate, which he’s moments away from gaveling into session, isn’t sweating it. After all, he gets Et tu, Brute’d by the Republican-controlled Senate on a semi-regular basis.

At this moment, he’s posing for a staffer’s camera on the sun-drenched balcony adjoining his office in the state Capitol complex, unfurling a bright yellow Gadsden Flag — retrofitted with marijuana leaves and the motto “Don’t Tread on Weed” — in the yawning chasm between his meaty outstretched paws. The pro-pot flag, along with a half-dozen or so homemade rainbow pride flags that, draped over his shoulders, make Fetterman look like a Roman emperor crossed with Wavy Gravy, were sent to his office by supporters from all over the U.S. and points beyond, one from as far away as Australia. “I don’t want to hang any today just because they’re going to be taken down in an hour,” Fetterman says by way of explanation for the photo session, the pics from which he’ll blast out on social media. “But I do want to thank everyone.”

The flags are replacements for ones that had been hanging from his balcony since his first year in office in 2019. The display so irked the Republican majority of the state legislature that they tucked a provision into a budget bill prohibiting the display of “unauthorized flags” on the exterior of the Capitol. In January, when Fetterman politely refused to comply, maintenance workers, at the behest of Republican leadership, confiscated his array.

“The GOP collectively shrugged when a couple of its members were photographed down in D.C. on Jan. 6th, but my pride and weed flags are a point of outrage for them?” Fetterman complained to a reporter from NBC News at the time. All in all it was just another skirmish in the hyper-partisan forever war currently raging in the ornate chambers of the state capitol.

Though he arrived here today in a black SUV chauffeured by his two-State Trooper security detail, dressed in a sweatshirt, board shorts and running shoes, he has since changed into the crisp, undertaker-black suit and azure tie he wears when he presides over the Republican-controlled state Senate. Of that august body, know that, in the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, “nowhere will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Beneath the towering gilded splendor of the statehouse rotunda is where the rancid sausage-making of the state legislature takes place. It is a nary-splendored thing, a joyless, dreary enterprise, peopled with faceless hacks, bullies, crooks, cowards and bad-haired mediocrities in short sleeves and boxy, traveling salesman-blue suits, hailing from sleepy Pennsyltucky backwaters like Lockhaven and Knobsville, Shickshinny and Hokendauqua, their countenances plastered with the dead-eyed glossy headshot perma-grin of the damned.

Harrisburg is the place where good people go to become less so. Power invariably corrupts and almost everybody leaves this town in tears or handcuffs. This is not hyperbole. The PA General assembly — the largest full-time state legislature in the Union — is ranked the 5th most corrupt in the nation, and 39th for gender diversity by a nationwide quorum of statehouse reporters. Bi-partisanship? We haven’t had that spirit here since 2012, when Republican Speaker of the House John Purzel and shared a prison cell at Camp Hill with Democratic Speaker of the House Bill DeWeese.

Back in January, during a heated dispute about seating a newly-elected Democrat, even though his election had been certified, the Republicans used an obscure parliamentary maneuver to have Fetterman removed from the Senate floor. Just like that that President of the Pennsylvania Senate was rat-fucked out of power — for a day, anyway. As Caesarian back-stabbings go, this would rate a mere flesh wound, but the message it sent was clear: This isn’t a state house where the people’s business gets done, it’s a circus of cruelty.

Small wonder he wants out of the clown car. MORE

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY In recognition of Republican Jim Jordan’s tireless, and often successful, efforts to extinguish the remaining embers of American democracy, I feel it only fitting and proper that I make public what is purported to be the final draft of Jordan’s soon to be proposed twenty-eighth amendment to the United States Constitution. It is to be titled “The Bill of Republican Rights” (co-signers include Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, Tom Cotton, John Cornyn, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio). With full acceptance of Republican party racism, bigotry, xenophobia, gullibility, and armaments worship, the following rights of Republicans shall never be infringed:

1. The right to spew hate speech and propagate white nationalism.

2. The right to decree that the phrase “well regulated militia” does not exist in the English language.

3. The right to elevate QAnon to god-like factual infallibility status even though not a single Republican knows who or what he, she or it actually is … nor shall they ever be forced to acknowledge such.

4. The right to abridge the voting rights of all non-white American citizens in any manner they see fit.

5. The right to turn any health emergency into a purely political conflict including, but not limited to, the right to flagrantly disregard the conduct and precautionary recommendations–or mandates–of scientists, healthcare professionals and/or governmental authorities even if doing so will knowingly place one’s immediate family, close relatives, friends and untold numbers of other Americans they may come in contact with in danger of dying, and the entire national healthcare system at risk of total collapse.

6. The right to falsely claim “election fraud” whenever the Republican candidate loses.

7. The right to riot against any “Democrat-controlled” legislature or fairly elected Democrat office holder.

8. The right to hold all elected or appointed Republicans in positions of governmental authority “not responsible” for any of their actions.

9. The right to create and maintain an entirely two class society of haves and have-nots including making it a federal crime to be poor.

In keeping with their recognized inability to walk and chew gum at the same time, the Senate Republican caucus is scheduled to initiate action on the Jordan amendment just as soon as it gets the go-ahead from the former president. Jordan is said to have voiced his preference that said permission be granted before the ex-president starts serving time on his tax and loan application fraud convictions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up late stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Hey, hey, NRA–and the political pawns you pay to perpetuate your mass-murdering ways — how many Americans did you terminate today? If that sounds radically morbid, I certainly hope so. Since 2018 some 1,453 Americans have been killed in mass shootings in this country (I would have included the staggering mind-numbing year-by-year gun violence statistics but that still wouldn’t sway these conscienceless Republican killers one scintilla). Have Republican politicians EVER done anything substantive about gun violence? Of course not. Will they? Not a chance. Their feet and their feelings are so calloused that they can’t even sense the cold blood and bowels they perennially wade up to their calves through. Why haven’t they? Because they convulse with fear at the very mention of the words National Rifle Association. Their gutlessness, spinelessness, abject ring-kissing cowardice with respect to their gun glorifying benefactors is so far beyond the pale as to sicken even the most desensitized. And did I mention that nearly all of these fatality enamored folks proudly and unabashedly identify themselves as uncompromisingly moral, Constitution upholding, Bible believing, 10 Commandments committed, born again “evangelical” Christians. Hypocrisy hath no greater ratifiers than Republicans with fancily carved gun cabinets full of extended-clip AK-47s.

And it all began–and should have ended–with the 2nd Amendment and its famous framers that these lead-dispenser defenders so love to venerate and hide behind. Said Constitutional amendment opens with the following words: “A WELL REGULATED militia.” Actually, those second and third words are as far as we need go. In fact, those two seemingly simple words may well be two of the most singularly significant words in the entire document. Indeed, it’s those particular words that NONE of these murdering Republican pols, gun manufacturers, NRAers, and sundry arms-bearing rights claimers can explain away, dodge, duck, skirt, spin, work around, avoid, or pretend don’t exist, no matter how hard they try. Those two uncommonly uncomplicated words exert the power to silence their every excuse, their every defense, their every argument. Yup, those famous, well-schooled-in-the-English-lexicon, carefully crafting, 2nd Amendment framers of ours could easily have used phrases like “A non-regulated militia,” “An un-regulated militia,” “A partially regulated militia,” “A private citizen militia,” “A peoples’ militia,” “A national militia,” or simply “A militia.” But, no, instead those fastidious founding fathers SPECIFICALLY and INTENTIONALLY chose the words “A WELL REGULATED militia.”

Now, let’s add the 2nd part of that Amendment sentence: “being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.” First and foremost, keep in mind that even the framers’ most futuristic projection of the term “Arms” foresaw no further than the tip of a single-shot, gunpowder, wad and ball (ramrod included), MUSKET with a bayonet affixed … which, by the way, took about 15 seconds to reload, and misfired 20% of the time due to bad reloading! Furthermore, a thorough, in-depth search of colonial records turned up no founding father/framer by the name of Nostradamus. No matter how these lying, pandering, wannabe opposition exterminators try to flip, fudge or fib about it — and I’ll grant you that the framers never intended to PREVENT citizens from owning Arms–you can bet your bloodthirsty barbaric butts that they damn sure wanted to be able to “well regulate” what KIND of Arms the people could bear, and under what CIRCUMSTANCES said citizens could or could not bear them!

So, what do you suppose would be happening legislatively regarding gun control if Republican politicos were losing THEIR sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, close friends or relatives on a daily basis as a result of mass shootings with assault rifles with extended bullet clips that were purchased through loopholes in already weak gun laws that THEY originally passed and/or now refuse to close? They’d probably be trampling themselves to get to the head of the prevention line, right? Nah, I doubt it. I sincerely doubt they’d be doing any such thing. Sure, they’d murmur a few feigned words of righteous indignation, but that would be about it. Exhibiting real grief and rage, and actually DOING something about about the situation would be risking the wrath of their cult leader, DJT, and consequently a primary challenge, not to mention that the fear of another deadly riotous march on America’s seat of legislative authority with THEM directly in its sights chills them to the bone, plus the fact that those mega campaign contributions from the gun manufacturers and the power it purchases would suddenly be heading for the nearest potty.  Keep in mind that concrete action on gun control requires at least a semblance of morality, a smidgen of selflessness, a cupful of courage, and a small degree of common decency, any one of which methinks is asking entirely too much of these self-serving serial killers. To paraphrase the now inimitable words of Don Ohlmeyer at the opening of one of his press conferences, “The answer to all of your questions is money and power.”

And, no, all you Republican slayers and maimers, Democrats aren’t trying to take your precious guns away, they’re just trying to make it as difficult as possible for all the criminals, crazies and straw purchasers out there to get them in the first place … which is a damn sight more than can be said about pitiless political pimps like YOU, and those extortionist pals of yours at the NRA and NSSF.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octaagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

Illustration by Andrew Zbihlyj

THE NEW REPUBLIC: In February’s Senate trial to impeach and convict Donald Trump for the crime of inciting an insurrection at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, the modern GOP had one last shot at rescuing its long-battered image as a responsible governing party. It might have reclaimed something of its former standing as an honest broker in the American two-party system, committed (among other things) to the peaceful transition of power, the conduct of free and fair elections, and each federal lawmaker’s oath to uphold the Constitution. Instead, it chose, yet again, the path of dereliction and impunity, determined to lash itself to the authoritarian leadership of Donald Trump and the white nationalist mob that brought bloodshed and threats of assassination to the halls of Congress in an effort to overturn by force President Joe Biden’s 2020 election win.

How could a venerable national party arrive at such a disastrous moment of reckoning, and placidly enable the forces of destruction within its own ranks? To get at anything like a strategic account of this process, it’s helpful to revisit the pet historical thesis of Steve Bannon, perhaps the most pivotal intellectual figure in laying out the ideology of Trumpism—and, as we shall see, a lead party propagandist in the run-up to the January 6 insurrection. Exploiting the moral abjection of the GOP leadership, Bannon has primed his far-flung audience of white nationalists and government-bashing militants for revolt, and is pleased to descry in the resulting mayhem the Fourth Turning of the Republican Party—which he is apparently hoping will spark in turn the Fourth Turning of the United States of America, if not the world.

Allow me to explain. The Fourth Turning is the historical “season” in which we presently find ourselves, according to Neil Howe and the late William Strauss, authors of the enthusiastically Bannon-endorsed 1997 book of the same name. Fourth Turnings, we’re told, are not very nice, but they are necessary in order to clear the ground for the coming High season of transformation (a cyclical First Turning) that will precede a fuller moment of social Awakening (a Second Turning).

The authors have constructed a circle-in-a-spiral kind of pop-sociological system of history. Like many futurist tracts, it’s adopted an exceedingly long and vague time horizon for the kinds of change it prophesies, conveniently engineered to make it appear as though the crisis point of the last 80 to 100 years is poised to happen right about now. If there’s a time to rend and a time to sow, now, they tell us, is the time for rending.

Bannon has never built much of anything. He is far better at tearing things down, busting stuff up—so much so that he’s devoted his late career to the proposition.  Other than his famous “platform for the alt-right” at Breitbart News, Bannon has never built much of anything. His past tours as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs and producer in the entertainment industry were classic nonproductive adventures in the kind of rent-seeking capitalism that he nowadays professes to deplore. Bannon is far better at tearing things down, busting stuff up—so much so, in fact, that he’s devoted his late career to the proposition. It’s not hard to see why The Fourth Turning’s apocalyptic, quasi-mystical vision would appeal to the likes of Bannon; it offers the perfect rationalization for sociopathic behavior. He’s not breaking stuff for the thrill of it—he’s executing history’s larger plan for all of us, playing his part. And so it was that Bannon placed himself at the center of the organizing effort that culminated in the storming of the U.S. Capitol building on January 6. MORE

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY This just in: Determined to keep the former would-be Fuhrer at the forefront of their lily-white-skinned nationalist agenda, CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) has announced that effective February 28, 2021, it will be changing its acronym/name to ATAC (Annual Trump Affirming Conference).  In keeping with such action I think it only fitting and fair that some of Donnie’s phoniest, most two-faced, spineless, self-serving curtsiers and ring-kissers get a bit of well earned homage as well. I mean, it’s the least we can do. Here, in no particular order of their ignominy, are perhaps the most repellent of those tRumplicons still suckling from the teats of their former–but no less fetid–fat-ass Oval Office bowel-mouthed sow (sure, I probably should have used the “male” designation, but, in this particular instance, I felt to do so would have been an insult to every boar hog ever born):

Lindsey Graham:  The slipperiest, slimiest, self-servingest, bundle of swine still suckling. Hell, he’d throw Melania, Barron AND Donnie into the sty if he thought it would guarantee his re-election. Here’s what he said about tRump in 2016: “He’s a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed … and we will deserve it.” And who can forget the recent, “All I can say is count me out, enough is enough.” Reportedly he had to practically suck the sapphire out of said ring to curry forgiveness for that last gaffe. You’ve got to admit, however, that he exhibited considerable pinpointing and prognostication prowess with respect to the other two. According to reliable sources, the purpose of Lindsey’s most recent pilgrimage to Palm Beach was to try to persuade Donnie to select him as his number two on the 2024 ticket … or vice versa … if tRump is still a free man.

Ted Cruz: Here are a few of the good words he had to say about Donnie Dirtbag prior to their past four-year bromance: “He’s a sniveling coward and a pathological liar. If I were in my car and getting ready to reverse and saw Donald in the backup camera, I’m not sure which pedal I would push.” He’s said to have undergone multiple double knee and lip replacement surgeries in the four years since. You gotta hand it to him for his political dexterity though. When, in well below-freezing temperatures, the lights, water and heat went out on more than four million of his Texas constituents, he explained his having immediately hightailed it to Cancun as an “emergency search for hot sauce” to keep them warm. Oh, Ted, if only auditions for the SouthWest Airlines TV commercial were being held today, youda become an overnight comedic sensation instead of a Lone Star State steershit pitching legend. “Wanna get away?”

Jim Jordan & Ron Johnson: Dead heat for the title of “Sleaziest Steadfast Senatorial Scuzzball.” Jim has literally never met a Republicanism he couldn’t defend with evangelical fervor and right hand held out shoulder high in salute to his heavenly master–and I think we all know which demigod we’re demeaning here. Unfairly for Ron, mere hate-filled legislative longevity rather than sheer sordidness may leave many with the opinion that Jim holds the edge. To Johnson’s credit, though, he did bring to our attention the massive Trump-bannered Signs.com conspiracy exposing who the “actual” participants in the Capitol riot of January 6th were. Jim, on the other hand, recently argued that Al Gore’s questioning of Florida’s disqualification of Democrat voting cards with hanging chads in 2000 is somehow synonymous with Jordan and all of his fellow Republicans falsely asserting massive voter fraud in the 2020 election and deceitfully attempting to disenfranchise 80 million American voters. Sure it is, Dipshit. Take your pick.

Josh Hawley: Relative newcomer on the Republican kneeling/ring-kissing scene, but ascending rapidly in the “ability to fecalize facts” pecking order. Possesses literally all of the septic attributes of Jordan and Johnson.

Kevin McCarthy: Undisputed “Prince of Kneelers.” Aside from still being unable to stand erect, Kevin is also recovering from severe tongue and lip lacerations. But it looks like his pleadings for mercy were all for naught. He just didn’t take tRump’s psychopathy seriously enough. According to Peter Navarro (Donnie’s preferred enforcer), McCarthy “has to go.” I guess he should have known that you can’t let real Republican women of character, courage and conscience like Liz Cheney roam the halls of Congress on two good legs, and afterwards live to entreat the likes of Donnie tRump. And then there’s the matter of that speech following the impeachment vote. Sorry, Kev.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  It’s difficult to put into words just how much of a tRumplicon chumpette this bigoted, QAnon-belching, bleached blonde bimbo actually is. If she couldn’t parrot the tRump and QAnon prevarications, she’d be speechless. She’s literally dumber–and a damn sight more malodorous–than Donnie dung.

Ron DeSantis: Oh, hell, just read this.

Rick Scott: This is the guy whose company–that’s right, it was HIS company–perpetrated the biggest Medicare fraud in American history! There’s simply nothing more you need to know about this tRump suckling puddle of puke!

Marco Rubio: What the hell, just read this, too.

So, there you have it, a rogues’ trough of truckling Republicans still suckling from the breasts of their sociopathic, self-aggrandizing, super sow.

Incidentally, Marjorie, could you please explain why men have nipples, and women retain the vestige of a penis. Thanks in advance. And, while I think of it, could you confirm for me that QAnon actually IS a pig farmer in the Philippines. It would go a long way towards helping me understand why you so willingly allow all that racist, bigoted, xenphobic pig shit to get shoved down your ginormously gullible gullet. Keep me posted. Thanks again.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octaagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Listen up, all ye would-be retainers of your precious Republican (in name only) Senate and House seats, all you timid, trembling, yellow-bellied, come to truth latelies, who’d reluctantly proclaim you’re finally willing to put your country above pandering to Trump and his pestilent hoards of punks and chumps, and meekly beg the forgiveness of the REAL Republican party. Pay attention! I’m about to present you with a guaranteed, fool-proof, fail-safe means of doing the right thing, the patriotic thing, the decent thing for a change; something that just may provide you a second chance at salvaging the courage that no one is sure you ever had; something that just might earn you the dignity and respect you’ve only dreamed of having; something that could offer you the possibility of regaining at least partial use of that spine you lost on Trump’s nomination day; something that perhaps might grant you at least some hope of garnering the self respect you’ve always seemed to show was never worth the bother; and, yes, even possibly getting the gift of some day soon finding the perfect Republican donor match to replace the guts you lost five years ago. So, pay close attention because I’m about to hand you what in all probability will be your last chance for redemption: a step by step means of how to defeat those cretin-ish Trump-cult challengers the Impeached in Chief will be primarying against you because he feels you’ve become insufficiently subservient to his still autocratic ambitions and thus are no longer fit to carry his big blood-soaked red necktie-shaped banner with the noose-encircled snow-white RBX (Racism, Bigotry, Xenophobia) acronym execrably tattooed in its center.

Step One: Secure a recent picture of your opponent’s face, preferably with a submissive look on his or her face. Photoshop said face into an oxen yoke with the words “Property of Donald J. Trump” burned into its beam. Add a big shiny brass ring through his or her nose. A visible inscription on the ring should read, “Donnie and (add your opponent’s first name) Forever” plus the current year. Don’t be concerned about your opponent’s sex. In fact, in this instance, if it’s a man it will work out better anyway.

Step Two: Make her lips appear to move in sync with the following message: “If elected, I promise to be the instrument of Donnie’s every political wish and whim. I promise to have no mind of my own whatsoever when it comes to politics–or anything else for that matter. His voice will be my voice. I will take no action whatsoever without The Donald’s express approval–which, of course, includes seeking and obeying his council with respect to any and all votes which I may be called upon to cast while in office. I have accepted Donald J. Trump as my Lord and Master. I shall have no other Gods before him.” After a short pause, you will no doubt be required to add, in your own voice, the following: “I am so and so (your name) and I approve of this message. Unlike my opponent, I will always independently represent the best interests of my constituents and my country.” Say it like you mean it!

Step Three: Get the ad up and running and keep it going on every state and/or local TV and radio station and major social media platform. Run it ’til your campaign contributions and matching public funds run out, whichever comes last.

Step Four: Start packing for the move to Washington. And, by the way, You’re Welcome!

Remember, from this point forward, you must always refer to Trump as Donnie. Never again allow him the dignity of being referred to as “the former President” or “former President Trump.” From now on it’s Donnie, period. If you feel that the situation absolutely demands a wee bit more formality, you may use “Donnie the Would-be Infante,” but that’s the only exception.

Oh, and this is extremely important: you’ll want to immediately get started formulating an ironclad, bullet proof, mea culpa response to the question(s) as to why you suckled from the teats of the fetid fat-ass former Oval Office sow for so long. Sorry, you’re on your own on that one.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octaagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Breaking news: Just released transcript of Capitol Hill telephone conversation between Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy: “Oh, my God, Kev, I’ve just been informed that that strange Greene substance the scientists unknowingly brought back from the asteroid destruction mission is mutating into a Trump mimicking monstrosity!! I’m told it’s spreading like a giant Donnie lie dump in liquid form!! What are we going to do?! We’ve got to stop it!! Maybe we can get it scooped up into audio-tight containers and ship them off to a federal landfill, maybe in northwest Georgia, huh?! Waddaya think?! Maybe it’s too late for that!! Is it, Kev?! Is it too late?! Maybe we could get it funnelled into the Fox News broadcasting center?! Yes?! No?! For Christ’s sake, Kevin, talk to me!! We need answers!! The press is going to be on this like white on rice–if you get my drift!! This is way way beyond serious!! We need a solution and we need it NOW!! What the hell are we going to do?! Dear God!! Get on the horn to Pfizer, Moderna, AstraZeneca and J&J!! Tell them to get their asses to work on a counteragent ASAP!! Tell them it’s a national emergency!! Tell them we’ll buy all the neutralizers they can come up with!! Listen to me, Kevin, I’ve got nearly six years to get this mess cleaned up, but you and about a third of the entire Trumpican Congressional contingent have got less than two!! We’ve got to get ahead of this Greene Slime shit, and we’ve got to do it NOW … and, goddammit, I do mean NOW!! Get MOVING!!”

This update on the Great Greene Slime Scare just in: Behind guarded closed doors, in the wee wee hours of this morning, Trumpican members of both the Senate and House of Representatives–while silently invoking the 5th–caucused and quietly implemented the Defence Production Act in order to force SERVPRO to come in and mop up all visible vestiges of the Greene Slime in and around the U.S. Capitol, and move them to an undisclosed location believed to be somewhere in Georgia. Members refused to comment on whether counteractive measures with respect to the remainder of the Greene slimed U.S. were anticipated. Stay tuned. Updates every hour on the hour.

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Note to all wannabe 2024 Republican presidential candidates: It’s never too soon to start cementing that bucket list of seditionist acts you’ve always dreamed of committing but were entirely too fearful to vocalize. It just so happens that as we speak your previous Republican president is in the process of showing you, step by step, precisely how to insure that you will NEVER suffer any adverse effects from doing so. There is one small catch, however. You must perpetrate said sedition–and/or your choice of felonious act(s)–within two weeks of termination of your presidential term. Unfortunately, at this time it appears that the extent of wiggle room with respect to that time frame is yet to be tested. But, what the hell, you’ve got two weeks. Are you going to quibble about a day or two at either end? Save your avarice and amorality for the preceding 206 weeks (or, in a limited number of instances, the previous 414). This is final fomentation time! And, yes, “standing in the middle of 5th Avenue and shooting somebody” is included.

Step One: Pay no attention whatsoever to the word “impeachment.” That’s just House of Representatives speak for “we think you did something really bad.” They simply write down what “badness” they claim to have uncovered and pass it on to the Senate for the actual legal stuff.

Step Two: Deny everything. Get yourself a few decent lawyers. Continue to deny everything. Go about your normal routine. Keep on denying everything. Round up a few character witnesses. Never stop denying everything.

Step Three: Count on your Veep to slow things down. I mean, that’s what you picked him for, right? Lean on him a bit if you think he’s wavering. Start calling him an ungrateful jerk if necessary.

Step Four: Drop a few hints to your Republican party Senators that they may rue the day they ever vote for conviction. Remind them of the huge treasure chest of donations you’ve amassed that could “possibly” affect their upcoming re-election bids. Heh, heh.

Step Five: Relax. Your spineless, quaking, servile, Groveling Obsequious Puppets have gotten the message and voted that the very act of putting you on trial is, in and of itself, entirely UNconstitutional.

Step Six: Tell them to warm up Air Force One. You’re free to go. Roll out the red carpet. Strike up the band. Shoot off the salutes. Wave to the witless out the window. Enjoy the trip.

So, as you can clearly see, you have absolutely nothing to fear. And never forget that QAnon, the Proud Boys, the KKK, the Boogaloo Bois, the Three Percenters, the Wolverine Watchmen, Fox News, and almost the entire Republican establishment–and let us never diminish the putrefactive pandering prowess of Marjorie “The Queen Of Spleens” Taylor Greene–will always have your back … well, maybe.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octogenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

FRESH AIR: From the March on Washington in 1963 up until his assassination in 1968, the FBI engaged in an intense campaign to discredit Martin Luther King Jr. and his work. Film director Sam Pollard chronicles those efforts in the new documentary, MLK/FBI.

“The first fear that [FBI director J. Edgar Hoover] had was that King was going to align himself with the Communist Party, which … J. Edgar Hoover was obsessed with destroying,” Pollard says. Pollard’s documentary is based on newly declassified files obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, along with restored archival footage. It shows the government’s extensive targeting of King and his associates in the 1960s.

The FBI campaign against King began with wiretaps, but quickly ballooned. When wiretaps revealed that King was having extramarital affairs, the FBI shifted their focus to uncover all evidence of his infidelity by bugging and taping him in his hotel rooms and by paying informants to spy on him. Eventually, the FBI penned and sent King an anonymous letter, along with some of their tapes, suggesting that he should kill himself.

Reading the letter, Pollard was struck by the fact that it was made to sound like it was written by someone close to King. “They were trying to make it sound like it was not only a former associate but a ‘Negro’ who wrote that letter,” he says. “This is supposed to be the nation’s police, that’s supposed to be doing the right thing, and this is the lengths they’ll go to destroy a human being? It’s awful.”

Pollard is an Emmy Award winner and Oscar nominee. His first work as a director was for Eyes on the Prize, a groundbreaking documentary series about the civil rights movement. He’s also edited many of Spike Lee‘s movies, including Jungle Fever, Mo’ Better Blues and When the Levees Broke. MORE

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BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is a just received excerpt from the text of Trump’s original (it was removed from the final text because his aids thought it might bring into question his diehard fans’ image of him as a “really smart guy”) self-congratulatory speech commemorating his “Great Trumpian Wall” and fulfillment of his pledge that fair, unbiased, comprehensive immigration legislation would never get passed during his four-year tenure as neo-Fascist in Chief … well, sorta:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octogenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

Where have all these Donnie-Come-Latelies been for the past 5 years?! Where have all these now “forsaking” Cabinet Secretaries, advisors, aids, confidants, and assorted creeps, crawlers, cronies, spaniels and suck-ups been?! Were they just too stupid to recognize his toxic imbecility? Were they just too like-minded to recognize his racism, bigotry and xenophobia? Were they simply too fear-ridden to say aloud that the Emperor wore no clothes? Were they just so proud of their own partisanship as to gladly perpetuate his division? Were they so mindful of their own dishonesty as to overlook his blatant corruption? Were they so occupied with enriching their own as to turn a blind eye to his nepotism? Which ones of this gut-churning group are the worst? The rats now deserting the ship of state in order to salvage a turd’s worth of their rancid reputations, or the ones still wading around in the slime? The ones experiencing these phony “epiphanies,” or the ones still in the thrall of the tyrant? The “finally found a mind of their own” cultists, or the “staying to save the nation but that doesn’t mean the election wasn’t rigged” conspiracy cravers? Take your pick. ALL of them have known for their entire lifetimes that Trump was an imbecilic, narcissistic, sociopathic–often psychotic–LYING piece of fetid dog shit! Every last one of them! Yet they did NOTHING! They were, and continue to be, the sewer-dwelling enablers of this treasonist, seditionist, fascist, immoral, murderous, Inciter-in-Chief. — WILLIAM C. HENRY

ESQUIRE: He has to go. Now. This moment. Donald J. Trump cannot be allowed to be President* of the United States for a single second longer. It’s not simply that he is unfit for the office he holds. I mean, that’s true of Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, too. Trump is something worse. He has proven himself to be a national security threat, the most serious one in Washington since the Royal Marines burned the place. He’s a traitor to his oath and to his country. He needs to be forced out, either through the provisions of the 25th Amendment or through an accelerated impeachment process. Any elected officials who do not agree with this simple and obvious fact dishonor the offices they hold with every second they decline to do it hereafter.

He is responsible for all of it. He is responsible for the assault on the Capitol and for the incredibly lax response from the Capitol Police. He created an atmosphere in which the worst impulses in the worst cops all over the country are inflamed and encouraged until the Capitol Police refused to defend…the Capitol. He has to go. Now. This moment.

[…]

He is responsible for all of it. This country has a serious fascism problem now. It has a fascism problem that is fed and encouraged by what is at best a fascist-adjacent media ecosystem and, at worst, a communications network that would embarrass Goebbels. There is a genuinely subversive rightwing movement in this country that found its focus in this president*, and that will be rested and ready when the next one comes along. There is no Republican politician with either the courage or the clout to cure the prion disease that has now eaten away all of the party’s higher functions and reduced it to a rough beast that is no longer anything but an accumulation of base and abandoned appetite. History has turned down a dark alley and he sent it there. He has to go. Now. This moment. MORE

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is an exact transcript of phone call between the President and Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger … well, kinda:

SIDNEY POWELL: Mr. President, please pick up on line #1. We’re having a bit of a problem with “secure” connections today, but I don’t think it’s anything you have to worry about. Anyway, I finally have Brad Raffensberger on the line. Says he’s been up to his ass in phony vote tally allegations lately but has finally found time to get back to you.

DONALD TRUMP: Thank you, Sidney, I’ll take it from here. Hello, Brad, this is the President. Where the hell have you been? I’ve placed 18 calls to your office! What’s going on? You know, people don’t usually ignore calls from me. It’s just not politically prudent … if you get my drift.

BRAD RAFFENSPERGER: Could you hold for a minute Don, I’ve got another call coming in. [five minutes of silence] Okay, I’m back. What was it that you felt couldn’t wait Don?

DONALD TRUMP: Show a little respect for Christ’s sake, Brad! It’s not like Pence was trying to get in touch with you! Anyway, listen up. I need you to find about 12,000 or so Republican votes for me. I don’t give a damn where you find them, just make the “find” tenable or, at the very least, plausible. I can handle it from there. That’s it, Brad. Sorry, but I have to run. Got Graham, Hawley and Guiliani waiting for me on the first tee. Oh yeah, and of course this conversation never took place. Have a great day!

BRAD RAFFENSPERGER: Hold it, Don, hold it! Sounds like you’re asking me to commit fraud, to actually “rig” the election. Is that what you’re asking?

DONALD TRUMP: You decide, Brad. The ball’s in your court–no pun intended. Do you like your job? Do you feel that there’s a future for you in the Republican party? Just asking, of course. I wouldn’t want you to think that I was in any way asking you to commit a criminal act or do anything that could even remotely be construed as underhanded. You do understand that, right? Got to go, Brad. Tee times aren’t negotiable. Bye.

DONALD TRUMP: How’d I do, Sidney?

SIDNEY POWELL: They don’t call you the Artist of the Deal for nothing, Donnie. Are we still set to hook up later? I’ve got some choice conspiracy theories for you to review … and maybe we could catch up on a little extracurricular activity as well … if you get MY drift!