Search Results for: shit my uncle says

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Time for a pop quiz. What do Miller v. United States (1973) and Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission (2010) and have in common? Give up? They’re both landmark U.S.Supreme Court decisions involving obscenity. Whereas the former was a determination regarding obscenity per se, the latter was just patently obscene. In the former, a divided Court set forth ground rules under which the individual states could essentially determine for themselves what constituted obscenity and what did not. In the latter, four right-wingers and a semi-swinger decided that there was nothing whatsoever obscene about corporations dumping truckloads of their filthy lucre into “independent” […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY In recognition of Republican Jim Jordan’s tireless, and often successful, efforts to extinguish the remaining embers of American democracy, I feel it only fitting and proper that I make public what is purported to be the final draft of Jordan’s soon to be proposed twenty-eighth amendment to the United States Constitution. It is to be titled “The Bill of Republican Rights” (co-signers include Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, Tom Cotton, John Cornyn, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio). With full acceptance of Republican party racism, bigotry, xenophobia, gullibility, and armaments worship, […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Hey, hey, NRA–and the political pawns you pay to perpetuate your mass-murdering ways — how many Americans did you terminate today? If that sounds radically morbid, I certainly hope so. Since 2018 some 1,453 Americans have been killed in mass shootings in this country (I would have included the staggering mind-numbing year-by-year gun violence statistics but that still wouldn’t sway these conscienceless Republican killers one scintilla). Have Republican politicians EVER done anything substantive about gun violence? Of course not. Will they? Not a chance. Their feet and their feelings are so calloused that they can’t even […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY This just in: Determined to keep the former would-be Fuhrer at the forefront of their lily-white-skinned nationalist agenda, CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) has announced that effective February 28, 2021, it will be changing its acronym/name to ATAC (Annual Trump Affirming Conference).  In keeping with such action I think it only fitting and fair that some of Donnie’s phoniest, most two-faced, spineless, self-serving curtsiers and ring-kissers get a bit of well earned homage as well. I mean, it’s the least we can do. Here, in no particular order of their ignominy, are perhaps the most repellent of […]

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Listen up, all ye would-be retainers of your precious Republican (in name only) Senate and House seats, all you timid, trembling, yellow-bellied, come to truth latelies, who’d reluctantly proclaim you’re finally willing to put your country above pandering to Trump and his pestilent hoards of punks and chumps, and meekly beg the forgiveness of the REAL Republican party. Pay attention! I’m about to present you with a guaranteed, fool-proof, fail-safe means of doing the right thing, the patriotic thing, the decent thing for a change; something that just may provide you a second chance at salvaging the courage […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Breaking news: Just released transcript of Capitol Hill telephone conversation between Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy: “Oh, my God, Kev, I’ve just been informed that that strange Greene substance the scientists unknowingly brought back from the asteroid destruction mission is mutating into a Trump mimicking monstrosity!! I’m told it’s spreading like a giant Donnie lie dump in liquid form!! What are we going to do?! We’ve got to stop it!! Maybe we can get it scooped up into audio-tight containers and ship them off to a federal landfill, maybe in northwest Georgia, huh?! Waddaya think?! […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Note to all wannabe 2024 Republican presidential candidates: It’s never too soon to start cementing that bucket list of seditionist acts you’ve always dreamed of committing but were entirely too fearful to vocalize. It just so happens that as we speak your previous Republican president is in the process of showing you, step by step, precisely how to insure that you will NEVER suffer any adverse effects from doing so. There is one small catch, however. You must perpetrate said sedition–and/or your choice of felonious act(s)–within two weeks of termination of your presidential term. Unfortunately, at this […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is a just received excerpt from the text of Trump’s original (it was removed from the final text because his aids thought it might bring into question his diehard fans’ image of him as a “really smart guy”) self-congratulatory speech commemorating his “Great Trumpian Wall” and fulfillment of his pledge that fair, unbiased, comprehensive immigration legislation would never get passed during his four-year tenure as neo-Fascist in Chief … well, sorta: My Fellow Pale Riders, I have asked you to gather here today to kick off my executive order proclaming that henceforth the 12th […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Taking into account, 1) the death toll is now nearing 200,000 and, 2) we have Trump on tape admitting he KNEW early on about the severity of the Coronavirus and, 3) he admits he KNEW it was an AIRBORNE virus and, 4) he didn’t so much as “request” or even “suggest” that Americans wear face masks or, god forbid, set an example by wearing one HIMSELF and, 5) he decided it would be more beneficial to his re-election prospects if he made wearing them a partisan, divisive, POLITICAL choice rather than a humane one, it’s […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY How did a man who had NEVER been successful at ANYTHING in his entire miserable life–other than mastering a two-word vocabulary of “you’re fired”–manage to get himself elected president of the United States of America? Oh, that’s right, he actually LOST the election by nearly 3 MILLION votes, and, in fact, was “anointed” president by the so-called Electoral College (the founding fathers no doubt felt obliged to insert these more palatable words rather than the properly descriptive originally proposed “Democratic Election Be Damned” ones in order to further placate the slaveholding states). So, other than being able to […]

  It’s the middle of the night and out of the darkness on a quiet street in one of the nation’s major cities black SUVs with full-tinted windows screech to the curb. Out jump heavily armed stormtroopers in full camouflage field uniforms complete with gas masks and full facial coverings. Words are exchanged between the armed men and the civilians they have quickly detained on the sidewalk. Next thing you know the civilians are being led back to the SUVs and forcibly placed therein. The vehicles and their unwilling passengers quickly disappear into the night. Who were the detainees? Why […]

  A Trump supporter explains why he/she refuses to social distance or wear a mask: 1) It’s inconvenient, 2) It’s my Constitutional right not to (I don’t know where that came from, but I know I heard it somewhere), 3) I really don’t give a shit about anyone other than myself, 4) That includes my wife or husband and/or my girlfriend and/or my boyfriend, 5) That also includes all of my children (known or unknown), 6) It also includes my mother, 7) And my father, 8) And my grandmother, 9) And my grandfather, 10) It also includes all of my […]

  BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Hi, we’re Bubba and Bubbette and we’re rootin’ tootin’ card carryin’ Republican rallyin’ MAGA KAG kinda folks and we’d like to take a few words to explain to you flamin’ Dem Libs why we like this Trump guy so much. First off, he tells it like it is. He doesn’t need fancy long words to get his point across. He makes us feel like he’s one of us. Always makes us feel like he’s talking straight to us hard working white folks. With Mr. Trump we never feel like there’s any shading of the truth. […]