SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Of Silver Spoons & Tyrants



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY How did a man who had NEVER been successful at ANYTHING in his entire miserable life–other than mastering a two-word vocabulary of “you’re fired”–manage to get himself elected president of the United SMUSStates of America? Oh, that’s right, he actually LOST the election by nearly 3 MILLION votes, and, in fact, was “anointed” president by the so-called Electoral College (the founding fathers no doubt felt obliged to insert these more palatable words rather than the properly descriptive originally proposed “Democratic Election Be Damned” ones in order to further placate the slaveholding states). So, other than being able to regurgitate the aforementioned “you’re fired,” he literally never DID accomplish anything on his own in his entire miserable life! And that’s with a $400 MILLION DOLLAR daddy donative to kick things off! Go figure.

As with so many of the wealthy’s accidents of conception this seeming conundrum isn’t nearly as inexplicable as it appears (don’t forget, this EC atrocity was brought to you under the auspices of the same political party that gave you Sarah Palin for Veep and the monumental con man/fraudster Rick Scott as Florida governor and U.S. senator). In a nutshell, Donnie’s case is simply a tale of massive unearned inheritance and the path to power it can pave. A completely unabridged biography of Donnie J. could be written by your average Macaque. Even at its most pretentious it would amount to little more than a prototypical “stupid is as stupid does” Forrest Gump elucidation. Trump has never been anything. He is, always has been, and in all ways will be, a simpleminded, baneful, buttocks broth of narcissism, sociopathy, illiteracy, racism and sloth, all served up by a very large, very expensive, silver spoon (except, of course, for the time he’s spent becoming one of the world’s most infamous murderers–more on that later). Don’t forget that there are valid reasons he doesn’t want you to see his high school and college grades or attendance records: they were somewhere between well below average and terrible in all respects. No doubt daddy felt that a substantial educational “endowment” gifted here and there far outweighed the embarrassment of public exposure of Donnie’s inability to cut the mental mustard.

And as you might expect, Trump’s governing philosophy is every bit a mirror image of his previous life: a bottomless blend of ineptitude, incompetence, incoherence, imbecility, ignobleness, and just plain “ignore it.” But what else would you expect from a man who but for the “trump” cards of “bailouts” and “bone spurs” would almost certainly be dumpster-diving somewhere in the south Bronx today. SIX times bankrupt, FIVE times a draft dodger … and president of the United States. Shirley you jest.

Take foreign policy for instance. From embarrassingly bungling trade in the northern hemisphere, to ignominiously insulting nearly every world leader whose last name isn’t Putin, bin Salman, Bolsonaro or Erdogan, it’s a subject that has never been more “foreign” to an American president. If he can’t find ways to blame China or Obama for the fallout from whenever he parts his lips, he simply denies any familiarity with the matter whatsoever. Especially if Putin’s help line is busy.

Fiscal policy: Never had one. Still doesn’t know what the term means. In addition to his senseless, purely political, $1.5 TRILLION DOLLAR tax cuts for the wealthy, by the time the Covid-19 is finished with us it’s estimated that Trump’s Alfred E. Neuman “What, me worry?” nitwitted inactions vis-a-vis the pandemic will have cost the American economy some 8 TRILLION DOLLAR$, an economic burden to be borne on the backs of literally dozens of generations to come. On the human side, his three-monkey “pretend it doesn’t exist,” take-a-teaspoon-of-disinfectant-and-call-me-in-the-morning, solutions have led to more deaths–165,000 and counting–than all of America’s wars since WWII combined. Not to fear though. It’s rumored that Trump has privately sought the counsel of Uri Geller, John Edward and Theresa Caputo, culminating in a collaboration said to conclusively confirm Trump’s theory that the virus will still magically disappear if only we stop taking science seriously and continue to swallow sufficient quantities of hydroxychloroquine!

The Environment: Even before his appointment to the presidency–for the past fifty years or so, actually–Trump had believed that the acronym EPA stood for Environmental Pollution Agency and thus his appointments of Andrew Wheeler and Scott Pruitt as its successive head poisoners. As for climate control, he has stated that the world’s climate doesn’t need changing because, as he understands it, it’s only been around for about 5,000 years anyway, so let’s just wait and see what happens. As for the worldwide shortage of fresh water, Trump says he will immediately invoke the Defense Production Act to force the timber industry to begin converting pruned tree limbs into divining rods.

Health and Welfare: Well, since the COVID-19 pandemic is going to magically disappear, Trump sees no need for the federal government to get involved. In the meantime, it’s each state for themselves, and besides, since he’s already saved MILLIONS of lives, 165,000 dead ought to be considered commendable, and more importantly, he doesn’t understand why all of America isn’t commending him for it, and anyway, right now he’s devoting what golfing time he can spare to quashing healthcare coverage for some 23 million Americans and defunding the World Health Organization.

Infrastructure Renewal: Huh? Sorry, those words are way too complex for Trump’s limited vocabulary. And anyway, it’s taken him three years to devise a foolproof plan to hamstring the poor and the disenfranchised from challenging the possible polluting and/or poisoning effects of its implementation … if it ever gets implemented … or contemplated. What did you call it?

Criminal Justice: Too busy arranging pardons to keep his fellow criminals from writing tell-all books to even consider the subject. But wait, even those he thought were his friendsand even his close relatives–are inserting their knives. It’s all so presidentially perplexing. Et tu, Ivanka, Jared, Melania and Barron?

Incidentally, have you ever wondered how Trump, Inc. stayed afloat over the past two or three decades? FOLLOW THE MONEY! How Trump, Inc. financed its expansion over the past twenty-five years or so when American banks wouldn’t touch him with a mile-long cattle prod? FOLLOW THE MONEY! Have you ever wondered why Trump was so upbeat prior to his in-person gabfest with Putin, then came out of the get-together with his tail tucked tightly between his quivering cojones? No doubt Putin had just informed him that Russian lenders didn’t suffer deadbeats gladly–especially deadbeat American dunces like him–and that there were unimaginable consequences for defaulting when Russian money was involved. You don’t have to be a telepathist to guess that Putin told him in no uncertain terms that he was playing in the big leagues now and that he didn’t give a shit if Trump was God incarnate–and who the hell did he think controlled VTB Bank, or Deutsche Bank for that matter–Russian money always gets paid back one way or another, and if Donnie Boy didn’t play ball he could look forward to abject ruin both personally and politically and, if need be, find himself floating face down down the Volga. Trust me, what Trump needed most when he and Vlad addressed the press afterwards was a change of underwear.

So, thank you, Mr. Tiny Hands, thank you for NOTHING! Thank you for all the truly humane things you could have accomplished but were either too stupid, too lazy or simply too wrapped up in self-pity to undertake. By the way, Donnie J., how many more LIES will you tell today? How many more scapegoats will you cook up today? How many more bullshit conspiracies will you initiate or endorse today? How much more division and hate will you sow today? How many more toxic “cures,” crackpot Doctors, Scrabble hosts, and Confederate losers, traitors and racists will you venerate today? Think about it, if just three months ago this incompetent, politically excremental, mass murderer had simply decreed that ALL Americans wear a face mask when out in public, TENS OF THOUSANDS of those 165,000 American lives could have been saved! But he just didn’t have the guts, compassion or decency to place the best interests of the American public above his own. SO, PRAY TELL US, DONNIE J., HOW MANY MORE AMERICANS HAVE TO DIE TODAY?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.