INTRODUCING: The Don Lemon Watch

Don Lemon OOPS

If you are one of those people who watch CNN you’re a better man than I, and that’s just not because I’m a woman. Somewhere along the way CNN went from 24/7 pre-Internet news ticker to non-stop eye roll-inducing exasperation factory. Much of the blame for that can be placed on the shoulders of Don Lemon, former Philly news talking head and currently Twitter’s favorite whipping boy, who plays Tweedle Dee to Wolfie Blitzer’s Tweedle Dumb. There he is tsk tsk-ing Ferguson protesters for the whiff of marijuana smoke in the air — even donning a gas mask, god forbid any gets in his lungs and he turns into a drooling Deadhead on live television — while mollycoddling the white racist stormtroopers training the barrels of their tanks on unarmed black men, woman and children. There he is asking a Cosby rape accuser why she didn’t just bite the Cos’ cock off when he allegedly forced her to perform oral sex on him — you know, just so we’d know for sure that she wasn’t secretly enjoying her oral rape. There he is getting shouted down on live television by black protesters in Charleston calling him out for his Uncle Tom foolery during CNN’s insufferable coverage of the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church massacre. When President Obama dropped the N-bomb on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast while trying to make a larger point that rendering the N-word forbidden in polite society is not the same thing as ending racism, Lemon responded by holding up a sign with the word NIGGER on it on live television and asking viewers “Does this offend you?” Yes, Don, just about everything you do offends reasonable, thinking people everywhere, which is why we are introducing a new and, sorry to say, recurring feature called DON LEMON WATCH wherein we will catalog and critique the journalistic high crimes and misdemeanors that Lemon routinely commits in the heedless pursuit of ratings. We will not rest until this man is re-assigned to a job better suited to his skill set, such as ice cream scoop operator or dog poop sanitation engineer. Please standby. — MEGAN MATUZAK