SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Uncle Bill’s Annual PTD (Punishment They Deserve) Pronouncements


BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Come gather round children wherever you roam, it’s that time again, when the high and the mighty get what they have comin’: poetic justice for all.

Vladimir Putin – 20 years house arrest at 1800 Market St., San Francisco, CA, USA

Chris Christie – Placed in stocks between lanes at New Jersey entrance to George Washington Bridge until his BMI drops below 25.

John Boehner – Until inauguration day, 2017, must exclaim loudly “Hell yes you can!” whenever questioned about any Democrat proposal.

Mitch McConnell From now on the ONLY utterance he’s allowed when filibustering a bill: “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a two-term president.”

Ted Cruz Forced to feed and maintain the Sarracenia at Joe McCarthy’s grave site once a week for the next 5 years — 6 additional if re-elected.

Bill O’Reilly – Barred for life from the Liars Club. Just because it’s a dive doesn’t mean the owners aren’t allowed to exercise a little character judgement.

Rush Limbaugh – Banishment from the WCA. Impersonators won’t be tolerated.

Sean Hannity Nomination for honorary KKK Knighthood later nixed by the membership claiming they do have SOME scruples.

Barack Obama – Must don an “I Love CGI Federal!” tee shirt whenever he goes out in public.

Kathleen Sebelius – Same as Obama, but pink.

Woody Allen – 10 years public service as a live-in geriatric caregiver to female septuagenarians — or older.

Ann Coulter – From now on all of her columns must meet with Joe Biden’s approval prior to publication.

Michele Bachmann – Only thing she is allowed to run for in the future is her life.

Dennis Rodman – Sent to North Korea as a trade for Kenneth Bae. Kim Jong Un would no doubt install him at the Koryo as a combination chambermaid/porter/bellhop.

Michael Hayden & Keith Alexander – Forced to run hand-in-hand naked through the streets of Washington, DC so they know how it feels.

Koch Brothers – Consigned to a cage at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium. When two brothers by themselves are capable of representing literally EVERYTHING that’s wrong with the human race they certainly deserve to be on permanent display somewhere.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.