SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Lucifer Rising

Illustration by MARIO PIPERNI

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Senator Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz returned to Texas recently to pick up a clean white sheet and rummage for more dry timbers and kerosene. Having been run out of Washington with pointed hat in hand, it must have felt especially good to be welcomed home by some 600 of his crimson-naped faithful all decked out in their finest Sunday-go-to-meeting stars and bars.  Okay, I’ll come clean. I detest Ted Cruz, just as I detest all political deceivers, thieves, racists, bigots, hypocrites and phonies. But because Cruz has earned himself such a special place in the pantheon of execrable politicians, I admit to taking particular pleasure in his denigration. Moving on.

After pissing away some $24 BILLION of your tax money on a phony, knew-beforehand-would-fail, extortion attempt to force defunding of Obamacare — turns out it was pretty much just a racism-based ruse to engorge his own personal war chest and that of the Senate Conservatives FundTeddy KKKruz and the rest of his his band of Teapartheiders have turned their attention to taking food from the mouths of babes, the poor, the elderly, the infirmed, and anyone else who doesn’t fit their “perfect American” mold of a white (preferably), top 2% income earning, mega-church attending, Ted Nugent venerating, fuck-you-I’ve-got-mine-get-your-own, government loather. Oh, before I forget, it’s worth noting that Teddy’s own health insurance is provided through Mrs. Cruz’s job with godawful Goldman Sachs (aka the government’s official revolving door coordinator). According to anti-anything-Obama-tainted Ted, the $20,000 estimated annual value of said coverage “comes at no cost to the taxpayer.” Well, au contraire, my incredibly uninformed government dole consuming dodo. Your wife avoids taxes on that “bonus/perk.” Instead of paying her $20,000 in additional taxable salary, GS gives her the insurance coverage. The reason they do that — and she’s able to take advantage of it — is because of a GOVERNMENT PROGRAM! Incidentally, genius, not only is your tax-free apron-strings ride exposing your ignorance, it’s also raising my taxes!

Anyway, getting back to the Teaturds’ “starve the beast” project du jour. MILLIONS of vulnerable Americans will find it even harder to feed themselves and their families properly now that Cruz & Company have successfully sustained cuts to the SNAP (Food Stamps) program. The cuts mean that a qualifying family of four will now receive $632 per month. I know that that translates into breakfasts in bed, picnic lunches beside shimmering ponds, and gourmet candle-light dinners under the stars to discerning Teasippers, but stated in real-life terms that even compassionate conservative oxymorons ought to be able to comprehend, it actually means that each food stamps-dependent family member will now be allowed to make a balanced meal out of any one item from McDonald’s dollar menu three times a day. No doubt it could also be taken to mean that if those same strapped folks would just consent to forgo spending on such discretionary luxuries as shelter, transportation, clothing — and medical care — they could afford to become gainfully employed under the Golden Arches and get a 10% employee discount on their meals!

Another of Teddy Boy’s more recent stick-it-up-the-ass-of-the-powerless moves is to block voting on democrat Tom Wheeler’s nomination to be Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission. Why? Because Wheeler won’t divulge to Teddy whether or not he’ll pursue utilization of the FCC’s existing powers to force disclosure of the heavy-hitter donors who fund multi-million dollar political TV advertising. It’s but further evidence of the lengths to which the worst among us will go to protect the anonymity and cowardice of the real malignancy behind politicians like Cruz and the rest of his Teaturd ilk. It’s always been laughable to me how readily these corporate welfare titans can affect boundless support and protectiveness for “truth, justice and the American way,” yet scurry for cover behind even the most bizarre instruments of secrecy whenever the threat of exposure of their real feelings and modus operandi raises its ugly plutocratic head.

Oh, and let us not forget the hypocrisy and bigotry behind Ted’s opposition to any kind of real immigration reform. Himself an immigrant from lily-white Canada — and trust me, that could end up making a big difference to future Cruzer plans — he is also the son of an immigrant, a Cuban immigrant of western European stock to be precise — and trust me, that little factoid heavily influences the true feelings of both the father and the son when it comes to immigration policy. You see, in their minds, such “mainstream” immigrants enjoy a special alien status apart from “ordinary latinos.” In other words, if you’re light-skinned and fleeing government-furnished health care, you’re okay; if you’re tan- or brown-skinned and fleeing starvation, not so much. Couple that with Cruz’s demand that Mexico be walled off (literally) from the USA to keep the great unwashed hordes at bay, as well as a declaration that only over his dead obstructionist body will existing undocumented aliens ever be granted citizenship or become eligible for government benefits including Obamacare (taxation, Si; representation, No) and you end up with a bad-weather Cruz down ingrained bigotry lane. Oh, that’s right, those weren’t Ted’s ancestors who tead up a war a long time ago over that last part.

Jason Thigpen, a Texas judge who recently changed political affiliation from Republican to Democrat, most certainly was aiming directly at Cruz with this parting shot: “Rational Republican beliefs have given way to ideological character assassination. Pragmatism and principle have been overtaken by pettiness and bigotry. Make no mistake; I have not left the Republican Party. It left me. I cannot tolerate a Republican Party that demeans Texans based on their sexual orientation, the color of their skin, or their economic status. I will not be a member of a party in which hate speech elevates candidates for higher office rather than disqualifying them. I cannot place my name on the ballot for a political party that is proud to destroy the lives of hundreds of thousands of federal workers over the vain attempt to repeal a law that would provide healthcare to millions of people throughout our country… I would hope that more people of principle will follow me.” Welcome aboard, Jason!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.