BIRDLAND: Skyfall

 

BY JOE PAONE IGGLES CORRESPONDENT OK, I knew this team was lousy and rudderless, but what the hell was THAT yesterday? I’ve never seen a Philadelphia team, especially with the pedigree this one supposedly has, fall so completely apart. I’ve never seen a Philadelphia team just flat-out give up, save for maybe those Mike McMahon-at-QB games in 2005. I’m trying my hardest to remember to forget. But reality is a cold, insistent bitch.

The Eagles simply, totally quit yesterday. Worse, they might have THOUGHT they were giving maximum effort, which is even more dangerous.

Simply put, we’ve got an NFL football team that doesn’t seem to be able to play NFL football with any acumen. We’ve got a coaching staff that has completely lost control of the team. We have no natural, effective, demanding leaders holding anyone accountable. We want to see rage and all we get are the faces of sad, disappointed, disillusioned mercenaries and never-wases who look like they can’t wait to flee a crime scene. They’re not exactly burnishing their 2013 resumes out there, incidentally.

The defense is hot in the running for “World’s Biggest Pushover,” which needs to be a competition. Although your average Fox News Channel viewer would undoubtedly wear the crown year after year.

The offensive line is beyond help, bordering on gross negligence.

If I had to pick one player who should have just walked straight off the field and into retirement, it’s Kurt Coleman, who failed to wrap up so many tackles, I can only imagine what a mess the xmas presents he gives will look like. And this joker still had the stones to start yapping at Redskins players late in the game. I’ll bet they were quaking in their boots.

Oh, and Brian Dawkins used to play Coleman’s position. Chew on that for a second.

The rookie QB? Hard to tell with that O-line, but beyond that huge, gaping maw, he failed to impress much. Watching his postgame press conference, I have to say that he also doesn’t strike me as the brightest bulb in the bunch. And he actually said this: “I’ve got to make better decisions and put us in a better position.” Get this kid away from Andy Reid before he’s completely destroyed.

And speaking of Andy, among his litany of coaching atrocities yesterday was his “Is Big Red all there?” decision to have his best player, Shady McCoy, carry the ball and get what looked to be a terrible concussion—at the end of a game in which the Birds were down by 25 points. If I were a member of McCoy’s family this morning, let alone his agent, I would not be very happy with the Philadelphia Eagles right now.

It’s never been worse than this. Even during previous abysmal seasons, there was some real or imagined light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to, a reason to say “maybe we’ll get ‘em next year.”

The 2012 Eagles will carry absolutely ZERO hope into 2013, save for the fact that Jason Peters and Jason Kelce might return and be as good as they were before this season. We’ll have a second-year project QB on whom the jury is still WAY out. We’ll have a star running back who just sustained a brain injury. We’ll have wideouts who seem to have given up hope on ever seeing the ball. We’re likely going to deal with another season of DeSean Jackson pissing Eagles fans off, incidentally. We’ll have a defense with maybe three players—Fletcher Cox, Mychal Kendricks and “he deserves better than this” veteran DeMeco Ryans—who were worth keeping from 2012. Think about that.

Also, the following people, for some unimaginably horrible reason, have spots on this roster: Casey Matthews, Dion Lewis, Demetress Bell, King Dunlap…oh god do I have to really look at this roster anymore? They got me at “Casey Matthews.”

Six more meaningless games are staring this absolutely terrible team—and you—in the face.

Something tells me you’re going to blink first.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Joe Paone has attended nearly every Eagles game with his dad since 1978 and he has the lasting psychological scars to prove it. He also runs a PR firm, plays rock music, and hunts New Yorkers for sport. You can follow him on Twitter  @Birdlandia or contact him at  BeeElevated@gmail.com.