LIFE LESSONS: AP Ticker’s First Kiss

AP TICKER: Hello Young Lovers! Valentines day is coming up, so I thought I’d tell you a love story…. I remember the first time I met my wife, it was back in high school, we shared lockers across from one another at Our Lady of Perpetual Misery. She was stunning, as pretty as a prayerbook and as sweet as an apple on Christmas day. I was a shy, jug-eared youth who would follow her around like a puppy. She invited me to a party at her house. Her parents were gone.The entire school was there. She made snacks, tuna fish on little crackers and mini pizzas. She also raided her parents liquor cabinet. Sloe gin fizzes for everyone! A vile, bloody red concoction that went down like candy. I never felt so grown up! It was a wonderful night and we felt on top of the world. We partied with abandon, the way only illegally drunk teenagers can. It was getting late, the crowd dwindled to just me and my beloved. We were trashed, so we sat down on her parents white couch. It was time to make my move, so I inched closer and put my arm around her. She looked deep into my eyes and held her gaze for what seemed like an eternity. Then she looked down and PUKED all over my lap and all over her parents brand new white couch. I carried her to her bathroom and gently stroked her hair while she violently threw her guts up into the toilet. The couch looked like a murder scene, I cleaned it as best I could, turned the cushions over, that sort of thing. She stumbled out of the bathroom and told me I better go. I started to leave, she then grabbed me, held me close and jammed her tongue down my throat. I could taste the tuna fish, sloe gin and stomach bile on her tongue and I lapped it up like it was manna from heaven. To this day, i still can’t get that taste out of my mouth…and I hope I never do. Til next time folks, I’m AP Ticker and if you were a booger, I’d pick only you.

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