SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Tea Party Is A Boehner Killer


BY WILLIAM C. HENRY “The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones.” If Shakespeare was indeed correct—and I find no “earthly” reason to question his insight—you can expect to find those words displayed in bright neon lights above the graves of Boehner, Cantor & Ilk, followed by a blinking asterisk informing the faithful that there are empty coffins down below. Yeah, yeah, I know the matter has been pretty much ranted (me included) to death, but I thought I’d give it one last semi-comical college try before the conflagration ensues. Let’s start by listing some indisputable means by which the matter could be instantaneously resolved (not necessarily in order of importance):

   1) The Republican party leadership could be consigned to homelessness for a month.

   2) Threaten to increase Congressional work schedule to 150 days annually.

   3) All right side aisle sitters in Congress would agree to take a lie detector test.

   4) Prospective Social Security recipients would consent to not count birthdays between 65 and 80.

   5) Medicare recipients would acquiesce to no more than one doctor visit per terminal illness.

   6) The poor would just go away.

   7) All professional athletes would agree to a one-time 10% tithe to reduce the national debt.

   8) Most of the wealthiest among us would grow a conscience.

   9) Tina Fey would commit to a run for President.

Granted, these probably don’t cover all the viable solutions, but certainly even the most cynical among you would have to agree it’s a pretty good start. Hell, this whole business could be one of the greatest Greek tragedies of all time if it weren’t so damn serious. Folks, I’m beyond the “stage” of incomprehension. I’m passed that “which passeth all understanding.” I’ve expressed my bewilderment with almost every “act” I know short of committing a serious crime. And now, as you can surely tell, I’ve finally reached my “wits” end.

So, here’s my last missive to Boehner and the boys: Up to this point I’ve tried to look at the situation from a somewhat (albeit minutely so) detached perspective. You know, trying to give the other side the courtesy of at least one of my tinnitus tainted ears. But, I’ve got to tell you, that perspective changed drastically when I realized just how close we were getting to the third of the month. Now you fellas are starting to screw around with something very near and dear to my personal well being, my pocketbook. And, as you can no doubt imagine, I don’t like that one fucking bit. Neither does my landlord, and he’s a pretty conservative leaning guy. It may be just a snapshot of the overall picture out here in reality land, John, but you might want to take note. You’ve stepped over the party “line.” You’re starting to seriously piss off BOTH sides now. Even my neighbors (and they’re borderline Huns) are fed up with you. You’re becoming a pariah, John. Pretty soon you’ll be a man without a country.


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