SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Fault, Dear Brutus, Is Not With Our Weiners, But With Ourselves


[Illustration by ALEX FINE]

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Kudos to the American media and public at large! With the Anthony Weiner revelations, and the public’s insatiable appetite for the details thereof, the bar has now been set so low for profiting from salaciousness that paparazzi nationwide will no doubt soon be selling exposés of religious school valedictorians voraciously devouring issues of Playboy (for the interviews, of course). Christ, you have got to be kidding me! It’s now front page news as well as fodder ShitMyUncleSays-FINAL_2.jpgfor every bottom feeding Breitbart in the country that a congressman tweeted a picture of his all-too-well-disguised manhood to a grand total of maybe SIX of his ACCEPTING Twitter friends (one of whom–God and assorted prudes forbid–happens to be a former adult film star) out there in ether land. Can you spell h y p o c r a c y?! Probably not if you’re among the 60 million or so who regularly support the burgeoning $14 billion (2006 statistics) porn industry in America. By the way, take a bow folks, you’ve now made the porn industry bigger than NFL and MLB revenues combined!

Alright, here’s what I’ll concede: he’s a cad, he’s arrogant, he’s a hypocrite (more on that subject to follow) and he’s stupid. So what? As far as I know, there’s no law against being any or all of them. Hell, if there were, we’d have to lock up half of Washington, DC! Here are a few far more relevant facts to take into account: he’s a United States citizen, he’s married, and, to the best of the public’s or the media’s knowledge, he hasn’t had any form of sexual relations with anyone outside of that marriage (contrary to the centerpiece of EVERY political scandal of a titillating nature over the past half century!). As a citizen of the United States he’s entitled to the same right of privacy as you are, and it deserves to be protected every bit as much as yours does. That same right of privacy extends to his marriage. Whatever goes on within or without that marriage (so long as no laws are being broken) is no one’s goddamn business but the parties to it. And just because you happen to be a politician, doesn’t mean your “private” communications are any less deserving of that sacrosanct term than anyone else’s. Think about it the next time you send an email or Tweet (or any other means of “surmised” private communication) the content of which you wouldn’t necessarily want to share with the rest of the world.

So, what’s been accomplished? Well, in all likelihood the very promising career of an extremely bright, fair-minded fellow who actually “DIDN’T have sexual relations with any of those women” has been curtailed. At the very least, his hopes of becoming mayor of New York are in serious jeopardy. Personally, I hope not. I’m still holding out hope that sometime, somewhere, a gutsy politician is going to stand up and refuse to stand down simply because a prudishly prurient public and press think he should. Sure, it’ll depend on the situation and the severity of the misdeed. Hell, that’s the way it SHOULD be. But, by God, no one should be forced to throw in the towel on a life of exemplary public service just because of a wrong button push or indelicate faux pas. You know, I just can’t get it out of my mind that, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, NONE of the SIX women Weiner allegedly exchanged messages with over a 3 YEAR period EVER voiced any objections, or for that matter, ceased to reciprocate. Sounds an awful lot like consenting adults to me. Anyway, for all of you puritanical, voyeuristic, “tsk tskers” out there, don’t forget to clear your browser histories before heading off to bed tonight, because this time they came for Weiner, but sooner or later they will come for you.

PREVIOUSLY: Long Live Dr. Death Dignity

PREVIOUSLY: Pounding Sand

PREVIOUSLY: Big Brother’s Holding Co.

PREVIOUSLY: Goldman Sachs Of Shit

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

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