BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY Male figure skaters? Studs. Incredible specimens of athleticism. Male figure skating? Well, if it’s not totally gay, you can see it from there. I can’t help but think they’d get more respect if only they would stop dressing like Liberace. I should have broken out this piece for the pairs skaters…it’s amazing what those girls talk their partners into wearing. Did you see the German guy? He looked like the Jack of Clubs. Here’s the review of last night’s top competitors in the Men’s Finals. I’ve ranked the manliness of each outfit on a scale of 1 to 5 stars, with 5 being the manliest. Actually, instead of stars, lets use lumberjacks. I might have had additional comments on the music chosen, but I actually fast-forwarded through most of the skating parts. When the first American shlub they showed came out in a blue button down shirt and matching blue tie, I was actually worried this bit was in trouble. Then he turned around and I saw the mini-rhinestones on the back and I knew we were good to go. With apologies to the dandy in the pink sweater-vest, I thought I would not waste time and just move to the final six competitors. But that was before I saw Florent Amodio, and I knew he was due honorable mention:
Florent Amodio (FRANCE): Mauve velvet top. Suspenders; mauve, orange and green on the front, black with purple stars on the back. Collar and gloves covered in glittery beads, purple orange and green. Prominent pastel diamonds on the sleeves. And the kicker, white-diamond face paint on the right cheek. Oh, and he played a marionette in his performance.
Score: 1 Lumberjack
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Evan Lysacek (USA): Basic black unitard with a snake-like cord of silver beads around his neck and silver beaded epaulets. No gloves or tassels. Used all that gel and still got an Alfalfa on the final spin.
Score: 2 Lumberjacks
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Nobunari Oda (JAPAN): Standard black-tie waiter outfit, but with the jacket cut funny to show off his teeny-tiny ass. Dude is like a human bonsai tree.
Score: 1 Lumberjack
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Stephane Lambiel (SWITZERLAND): Brown sleeveless bustier with thin cream lines on the front. Frilly cream blouse underneath, the front section topped with lace. Tassles on the shoulders and puffy sleeves. This outfit screams ‘I throw like a girl.’
Score: -2 Lumberjacks
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Daisuke Takahashi (JAPAN): Here we go. I think this dude was wearing a Baby Bjorn. Underneath that he had on a very loose black-and-white checked garment which was tied into a big bow at the back. The effect was as if he were wearing a tablecloth and had his napkin tied around his neck. Not quite as bad as it may sound.
Score: 0.5 Lumberjacks
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Johnny Weir (USA): One piece, dark grey on the bottom and light grey/white on the top. Huge V-neck. Parts of the costume dangled down from the belly area like white flames or icicles. Open mesh on right sleeve. White gloves (part of the one-piece). Plenty of sparkly glitter. No fur.
Score: 0 Lumberjacks
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Evgeni Plushenko (RUSSIA): Black pantsuit dotted with shiny red beads to form a vest on the front, with white beads making up the tie. Red beads continue on the back in more abstract pattern. Black gloves. The beads gave it a neon effect. I wouldn’t wear it.
Score: 1 Lumberjack
And the winner is…Evan Lysacek, the epitome of male figure skating manliness. First American ever to do the “double”, win a gold medal and a Manliest Outfit Award in the same Olympics. Congratulations, Evan!