SPORTO: A Confederacy Of Dunces


BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY Has anyone noticed that the Eagles have played four snoozers so far, without an ounce of drama? It’s not likely to change next week when the Birds travel to Oakland to play the dismal Raiders. In other NFL news, Cleveland beat Buffalo 6-3. Browns QB Derek Anderson completed 2 of 17 passes. Two complete passes, and his team won! I have Browns WR Mohamed Massaquoi on my Fantasy team…I’d have been psyched if you told me he accounted for 70% of the Browns’ passing yardage. Well, he did, and it was worth 16 yards.Have you ever seen so many wildly shitty teams at one time? I will make the argument that the Detroit Lions, 0-16 last year and winners of 2 of their last 29 games, are better than AT LEAST seven other NFL teams right now. They are the SHIT 7 (Substandard Horrific Irrelevant Teams):

SHIT#1: BROWNS. Three offensive touchdowns in five games. They just played a game where they had 3 times as many penalty yards as passing yards. Two wins in their last 14, both against Buffalo (see SHIT#2).

SHIT#2: BILLS. Just lost to the Browns, at home. Got killed by Miami, which has no other victories. Won 3 of last 15, including wins against the Chiefs and Bucs (SHITS 3 and 6 respectively).

SHIT#3: BUCCANEERS. Nine straight losses, an inexperienced head coach and a QB with 2 career starts. Already lost to the Redskins and the oakland_raiders_nfl_betting_wwwcasinoguidecanadaca_online_betting_winning_streak.jpgBills (SHITS 4 and 2).

SHIT#4: REDSKINS. You may think it a stretch to say the Lions are better than the Skins. But the Lions beat Washington in Week 3. And the Redskins’ two victories were both at home, by a combined 5 points, over the Rams and Bucs (both on the SHITlist). Just lost to Carolina, which has no other victories.

SHIT#5: RAMS. Holy shit this might be the worst one. Thirty-four points in five games. Fifteen straight losses. Totally inept.

SHIT#6: CHIEFS. Dropped 30 of last 32, including losses to Detroit, Tampa, Buffalo and Oakland (3 times!).

SHIT#7: RAIDERS. A laughingstock. JaMarcus Russell is the worst #1 draft pick since (I couldn’t decide):

  1. Jay Berwanger
  2. Alex Smith/David Carr/Tim Couch
  3. O.J. Simpson (Russell only kills the Raiders figuratively)

So, now that I’ve written it all out, I’m even more convinced that these teams are all worse than the Lions (dishonorable mention for the Titans and Panthers). Which team is the worst? Consider this, if a round-robin tournament were held for this group, would anybody go 0-6? The answer is yes, and I think it’s the Rams.The bad news for the Eagles is that their three wins have come against SHIT 3, SHIT 6 and the Panthers. The good news is…the next two games are against SHITS 7 and 4!!

Bonus Phillies note: Umpires drive me crazy. The Phillies’ winning run last night came on a sac fly made possible by a questionable call at 1st base on Chase Utley’s dribbling “hit”. You can’t tell me there was any view that showed Todd Helton’s foot was off the bag, and umpires routinely give first basemen (and middle infielders) the benefit of the doubt on this call. It’s as if the rules (and the umpires) get “tighter” in the playoffs. The umps think, “I have to show I’m watching everything, and the only way to show it is to make this call.” Either that, or the umpire was thinking, “Look at ME! Look at ME! I’M taking center stage! Everyone will be talking about ME!” On top of that, the ball was foul. It hit Utley on the leg, which I saw the first time, live in LoDef, from 1700 miles away. But the umpires missed. Very poor. Brad Lidge got the job done in his first try, although not without drama. You knew Manuel would always give him at least one chance and hope something good happened. A little confidence can go a long way, but I still didn’t see any bite on the slider.

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