HOT DOCUMENT: The Trouble With Facebook


Lily sent you a message.——————–
Subject: Just like a buzzin’ fly, I come into your life, now I float away

Dear Jon,

I’m going to de-friend you.  It’s nothing personal, which is the whole point. We’re not personal people, with each other.  We don’t talk on the phone or send Christmas cards. We don’t mass email urban legends to each other.  We’re just not close. Even when we were close, back in the early 90’s, we weren’t close. Right before I left Philly, I saw you at a party and you thought my name was Missy. And it didn’t bother me. Which shows how close we weren’t.

I like to travel light and I’m not at all sentimental.  If I run across a name from my past, I might make contact, make sure a person is alive, employed, healthy and whatnot, and then I’m done. None of us wants to wade through photos each other’s pets and kids and bathroom remodels.  You’re busy, I’m busy, why pretend?

True friends are rare and few, and no explanations are necessary. Collecting names on Facebook looks to me like the latest manifestation of the Beanie Baby craze. This sounds judgmental, and I don’t mean to be. I accept that my select few true blues all have about 200 other “friends” on their FB pages, and so on, and so on, like the old Faberge commercial.

It’s just not for me. I’m getting kind of private and cantankerous in my latter years.  It was with great reluctance that I joined Facebook at all. When I did, I cranked the privacy settings up to 11. My friend valentinesday.gifcollection holds steady at around 25, which accounts for scattered siblings, my inner circle, a few old long lost or long distance buds, and my cousin’s friend Kelly who made a big stink because she thought I’d deliberately blocked her personally, so then I had to friend her to prove that I didn’t, and now I’m really annoyed that she’s in there, and have to find a tactful way to say to her what I’m saying now to you, except that I’m pretty sure that you will roll with it and she will not.  I don’t know you well, but I think I know you well enough to know that you will survive this Dear Jon letter, and possibly get a kick out of it. Maybe someday you can write a song about it. If you do, please change my name to Missy.

And isn’t this is all so much more than you ever wanted to know about me? See what I mean? It was nice to briefly swap niceties, and I hope that your future holds all things bright and beautiful. Phawker looks great. Rock on. If you’d like a genuine, personal exchange, send an email any time: REDACTED
Maybe we could build an actual relationship based on mutual trust or some shit like that, and then try and work our way up to FB buddies. Until then, adieu.

Hug hug, kiss kiss,



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