LIVE & DIRECT: Parsing The Veep Debate In IM

UPDATE: CNN/OPINION RESEARCH CORPORATION POLL

Who Did the Best Job In the Debate?
Biden      51%

Palin      36%

QUESTION Regardless of which candidate you happen to support, who do you think did the best job in the debate – Joe Biden or Sarah Palin?

***

Our analysts tonight will be Citizen Mom and Jonathan Valania. Here we go…

8:57 PM Citizen: Wheeeee!

  I’m leaving CNN on because I am mesmerized by the neon spaghetti lines and the pie charts

8:59 PM me: so, any predictions?

 Citizen: Hmmmmm

9:00 PM I think they’ll both have a few carefully-placed zingers but neither will totally implodebidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

  and thus, Palin will fake-win

 Citizen: she is wearing BLACK!

 me: her funeral, Joe’s trial

 Citizen: She’s wearing black, I’m surprised. Is that shantung?

9:04 PM me: she wears black because she is a serious woman

 Citizen: I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside

 me: she is trying to get some of that undecided black vote

 Citizen: nice

9:05 PM me: Joe is getting good biofeedback

 Citizen: Nice lipstick

9:06 PM me: already with the mommy talk?

  she can be president of the playgroundpalin_boxer.gif

 Citizen: Yeah the “you betcha” stuff is out of place here

  Watch it, pal. The breeders are everywhere.

  She needs to slow down

9:07 PM Biden looks SO much more comfortable than she does

 me: wait, did that Fannie Mae reform include Rick Davis’ $30,000 a month consulting fees?

 Citizen: Here it is, he’s responding to her directly

  Engage!

  Engage!

9:08 PM THE WINK!

  oh GOD

 me: oh lord shameless pandering to the working stiffs

  “YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST! HOORAY FOR YOU!”

9:09 PM Citizen: Gwen Ifill just made them both her bitchbidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

9:10 PM neither of them just answered the question

 me: America doesn’t want them to

  Joe Lieberman said so

 Citizen: JESUS CHRIST JOE SIXPACK

 me: I am gagging on the faux populism

  she is worth $1.2 million!

9:11 PM she is an elite

 Citizen: Funny how she’s talking about how people were taken advantage of

  when the rest of the GOP has been out blaming homeowners all week

  Her answers so far have been 1 sentence of semi-answer and then 60 seconds of canned, rehearsed schtick

9:12 PM me: it was the minorities, they caused Wall Street to crash, they are why we can’t have nice things

9:13 PM prediction, she will stop her freefall in the polls, but lose the debate

 me: stop acting like you speak for The People!

I know the The People, The People are a good friend of mine

You lady, are NOT The People

                     you think she is armed?

9:14 PM 

Citizen: Oh hell you know she’s strapped. It’s on her thigh like Angelina Jolie

  That’s why the skirt has a flouncepalin_boxer.gif

  Biden’s having a hard time moving the lines

9:15 PM me: so transparent

  ‘not gonna answer your questions

  I will attempt to fool the American people directly’ [smiles cutely]

  wow, such a complete NON ANSWER

 Citizen: Gwen Ifill isn’t gonna take that. She will keep things on target

9:17 PM me: he’s movin the line now

  The Line likes him

  it REALLY, REALLY likes him!

9:18 PM she is NOT middle class

 Citizen: “In the middle class of America, where Todd and I have been until we had a net worth of $1.2 million”

 me: Alaskans take MORE Federal tax money than any other state

9:19 PM she rolls her eyes at health care for all Americans

  likes it’s from Russia

  which she can see from her housebidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

9:20 PM Go Joe

  give her the left, the left, the left

 Citizen: WOAH are you noticing where the lines are going?

  The yellow “woman” line is WAY higher when Biden’s speaking

9:21 PM me: those women are all looking for husbands

  and they can’t marry Palin

  nice, Bridge to Nowhere used against her — that’s gotta sting

 Citizen: I bet Sarah Palin has a higher net worth than Biden

9:22 PM Seriously if women are the all-important group here, Biden is PWNING it

9:23 PM me: good one

  offshore bank accounts ARE Un-American

  oh, same old lines over and overpalin_boxer.gif

  dodging the topic

  it’s like she brought her own debate questions and answers and its different than the one Biden and Ifill are having

9:24 PM how stupid does she think America is?

  seriously

  this is insulting even by her standards

  what makes her an ‘energy expert,’ exactly?

  what schooling, what experience? was she an engineer or a geologist?

9:25 PM Citizen: I was so tough on the oil companies that my states budget was only 80% oil revenue, not 83%

 

  me: Fannie Mae was paying your campaign manager $30,000 a month

  up until like last week

  and I wonder how many working class family’s mortgage payments went to pay his consulting fees

  I wonder, we should ask some of the people foreclosed on, I bet they would know

9:29 PM Citizen: Haha, look at the green line

 Citizen: Men clearly don’t like Biden because he looks like he had his eyes done

 me: I don’t know the answer so I am gonna talk about drilling in Alaska

9:30 PM Like it’s like she showed up with her own questions AND answersbidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

 Citizen: That’s what Colbert said last night

 me: Noun, verb, drilling for oil

9:31 PM uh oh

  global warming question

  wriggle out of this

  mccainpalindrillbaby.jpgJesus Lady

  that’s right it’s not all man’s fault, women had a hand in it, too

She’s like ‘I don’t wanna know what caused it, I wanna know what you are gonna do to fix it  — that doesn’t mean less drilling, because I really like saying ‘Drill, baby, Drill’

 Citizen: Seriously, is she even speaking English?

  I feel like I’m hearing political Esperanto

 me: wait, we know the cause of this problem

9:32 PM 

  the rest of the world doesn’t care about climate change as much as we do?

  they have been waiting on our asses since Kyoto!palin_boxer.gif

  read a book, you boob!

9:33 PM read a newspaper

  not just ‘all’ of them

  but ONE

  just ONE

 Citizen: Oh remember, she reads ALL OF THEM

  Especially OK! and the Weekly World News

 me: that is why she is so confused

  trying to read them all at once

 Citizen: And the things the Jehovah’s Witnesses stick in your door

9:34 PM me: people are so HUNGRY for drilling

9:35 PM Citizen: Senator O’Biden!

  Begosh and begorrah!

 me: it’s like she thinks America is at home masturbating to her talking about all that hot, raw oil

  we have in Alaska

  nu ku lur

 Citizen: Nucular!

 me: first sign you are a MORON, I can prove it

9:36 PM same sex benefits?

  this is what America wants answers to?bidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

9:37 PM c’mon

 Citizen: yeah I think most states offer at least spousal benefits now, right?

9:38 PM me: aw, she is tolerant of those dirty homosexuals that are gonna burn in hell, what a pal!

 Citizen: Just got this txt message from a friend: “I don’t think I could hte this dumb slut more. I want to take a hockey stick to her glasses.”

 me: man or woman?

  my non-support, who uses words like that?

9:39 PM Citizen: Fuck them BOTH for not supporting gay civil marriage

 me: agreed

  those people are fucking Americans

  we are all created equal

  its says it right there in the Constitution

9:40 PM Citizen: I know, it’s all about Equal Protection for me

 me: her concern is that if there is too much gay marriage, why even her and Todd could wind up gay

  that is the threat

9:41 PM Citizen: She’s managed not to lose him to the big game all these years

  She’s not about to lose him to a big gay

  haha

  try the veal!

  “with all due respect, I didn’t hear a plan”

  ZING!

 me: her plan for Iraq, send pitbulls and hockey moms

  and enough lipstick for both

  and are troubles will soon be over,palin_boxer.gif

  you betcha!

9:42 PM Citizen: WOAAAAHHH look at those lines.

  They love it when Biden talks about the war!

 me: oh, lord

9:43 PM the ‘white flag of surrender’ line is tanking

  tanking

 Citizen: “Your plan is a white flag of surrender”

  THAT’s the best you’ve got?

 me: look how smug she looks, and she thinks she looks cute

9:44 PM Citizen: I really wish Gwen Ifill would break in here and remind Palin to answer the fucking question

 me: they beat her down with that book crap

  it worked

  she is a non-factor

9:45 PM she shoulda dropped out and put someone in who would call her on her bullshit

9:47 PM me: women love Biden

 Citizen: Woah look how the lines dipped

9:48 PM me: does Palin even know that Abbajibjab dude is NOT the supreme leader of Iranbidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

  the CASTRO brothers? Oh, brother,what is this 1963?

  Cuba has nukes?

  shut up

  shut up

  shut up[

  shut up

9:49 PM Henry Kissinger likes your ass, that is what he was trying to tell you!

 Citizen: Name dropper

 me: that is ALL

  Henry Kissinger can’t leave the country because he is wanted as a war criminal is something like five countries

9:50 PM Citizen: I am not kidding when I say I have no fucking idea what the hell she’s talking about

9:51 PM Spain again!palin_boxer.gif

 me: Joe just killed

  Spain is SO gonna be bombed

  if Mccain wins

9:52 PM even though Palin can’t see it from her house

 Citizen: “I can see Barcelona from my lanai!”

9:53 PM This is where Biden gets his “You’re no Jack Kennedy” moment

 me: I can see Spain from my fallopian tubes!

 Citizen: hahah

 me: is it wrong to want to punch a woman

  this woman in particular

  not just any woman

9:54 PM pow

 Citizen: Well, it’s sort of wrong but there are plenty of women who will do it for you.bidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

  heh

 me: Freedom isn’t on the march

  Iran is!

  why, cuz we fuckin took care of their worst nightmare

  Saddam Hussein

  stop kissing up to the Jews, you’ve never even met one before Kissinger!

 Citizen: She LOVES Israel!

9:55 PMme: and beside in order for her to Rapture, the Jews must die

  how come she doesn’t mention that

 Citizen: Perhaps her one gay friend is also Jewish?

 me: CHANGE IS ON THE WAY!

  I am choking on my own bile

  I need a tic tac

9:56 PM Citizen: Biden’s smacking people in the headpalin_boxer.gif

  me: not what she asked

9:57 PM not whether North Korea should have nukes

  but when would you use them

 Citizen: Right

 me: ANSWER THE QUESTION

 Citizen: “I’d just like to mention that and read from another index card”

9:58 PM me: she is a lying c*nt

  it must be said

 Citizen: Say it out ya mouth!

 me: she may not be making Biden angry

  but it is working on me

  see, i woulda lost the debate with the C-word gaffe

9:59 PM this is why I am not Vice President, if I can admit I am not ready, she can too

 Citizen: You can’t call a woman a cunt unless you’re married to her — the McCain Doctrine

 me: ha

  you get to call her ‘trollop’ too

10:00 PM this was not a debate, this was an essay contest


      Why I Don’t Hate America (Unlike Some People)

   by Sarah Palin

Citizen: uh oh, Biden’s sighing

10:01 PM me: he is breathing oxygen

  first breath all debate

  such a pro!

 Citizen: Remember Al Gore with the dramatic sighs during the debate with W.

 me: I look back at the last eight years and all I can do is sigh

10:02 PM in between vomiting

  he needs to land a serious body blowbidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

 Citizen: haha did he say Bosniacs?

  haha

 me: knock her on her heels

  they are Bosniacs

  they hold 900 year old grudges, that is maniacal

10:03 PM Would the moderator please stand up

  make her answer at least ONE question tonight

10:04 PM Citizen: “Americans are cravin’ that straight talk . . .with biscuits and gravy”

me: How does John McCain know how to win a war?

  we LOST Vietnam

  look it up, honey

 Citizen: And he was a POW for most of it

 me: that is how you win

  from inside the POW camps

  eat all their food

  clog up the toilets

  shit like that

  it’s why the North Vietnamese surrender to John McCain

10:08 PM Citizen: “God forbid”

 me: Biden has RULED the line all night

10:09 PM I think she is coming off as really smug

  on behalf of mavericks everywhere

  YOU MA’AM, ARE NO MAVERICK

10:10 PM 

  quit with the less government, Governor, you are the biggest Fed Gov Welfare State in the nation

 Citizen: She’s making a damn stump speechpalin_boxer.gif

 me: like I said, not a debate

10:11 PM an essay contest

  How I Saved America With My Cute Smile

  by Sarah Palin

 Citizen: My small town is smaller than yours!

me: omg, Scranton would SO kick Wasilla’s ass

  Say it ain’t so Joe

  NO

  she didn’t

10:12 PM been waitng to use that ALL night

  she is SO FUCKING CORNY

 Citizen: Seriously

 me: just winked at her dad

  again with the running for president of the PTA

  this is the big leagues lady

  start acting like it

10:13 PM good god, is the OBVIOUS pandering playing

  with you?

  your a hockey mom

  sorta

 Citizen: She moved the line on that last one

 me: I’m an elite, what do I know

 Citizen: “and yours was a lame attempt at a joke because nobody got it”

10:14 PM me: Children With Special Needs!

  McCain has voted to cut spending for Children with Special Needs

  YES

  Say it, Joe!

10:15 PM this is like Fargo vs. Delaware

 Citizen: I”m glazing

10:16 PM me: all that boring detail and facts

  it will be over soon

  she is SO reading these answersbidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

10:17 PM her whole prep was about how to turn every question back to her four or five pre-fab answers

 Citizen: YES!

  Biden just slapped the ugly off Cheney

 me: Hockey mom

  pitbull

  drill baby drill

  you betcha

  and one other

10:18 PM oh, pray away the gay

  Cheney just took out a CIA contract on Biden

  fortunately its the CIA, so he shouldn’t worry too much

 Citizen: Seriously, there’s a black GMC with tinted windows waiting for him outside now

10:19 PM “how are we gonna pay those tuition bills” maybe we’d know if she’d release her tax forms

10:21 PM me: single DAD in DA HOUSE and his name is Joe Biden

10:22 PM take that Hockey Bitch

  Does she even know what a maverick is?

 Citizen: Woah, that was really awkward. Biden was really genuine and choked up and she defaulted right back into reading from the cue cards

10:23 PM me: good, call him on the Maverick

  smart strategy to keep going after McCain instead of her

10:24 PM let her hoist herself by her own petard

  gawd, I SO wanna debate her myself

10:25 PM Citizen: Palin will follow George W.’s lead and say she has never made a bad mistake etc.palin_boxer.gif

 me: oh, I am sure

  I used to speak in tongues

  but now I realize its stupid

  just nonesense

  y’know

10:26 PM nope, I have been totally right all along

  every day

10:27 PM her non-answers are getting even thinner

  she is running out of non-answer

 Citizen: I’m wondering how I”m going to make it through the closing statements

  At this point, blood is starting to seep from my eyes and ears

10:28 PM me: I have been vomiting blood for an hour

  literally smoke coming out of my ears

  walk the walk, talk the talk

  like she’s been reading The Big Book Of Snappy Sayings

  by Pat Boone

 Citizen: She’s got them printed on her forearm like a quarterback

10:29 PM me: she is gonna call Biden a Jive Turkey

  mark my words

  here comes Where’s the Beef?

10:30 PM hockey mom

  pitbull

  special needs

  corruption on wall street

  fight the terrorist

  change is on the way

 Citizen: This bullshit about her liking it “without the filter of the mainstream media” is just a way of saying she likes to hear herself talk and never be questionedbidenavatar2.thumbnail.jpg

10:31 PM me: verdict

  Biden wins

10:32 PM Palin stopped her free fall into walking jokedom

 Citizen: Are you kidding? It’s going to be all about how great Palin did

  because she didn’t pass out

 me: look at The Line

  The Line knows

  he blew his old man’s line

10:33 PM it supposed to be ‘doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down

  it’s how many times you get back up”

  even I know that, and he’s not even my dad

 Citizen: Thank GOD that’s over

 me: what, the election? me, too


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