UPDATE: CNN/OPINION RESEARCH CORPORATION POLL
Who Did the Best Job In the Debate?
QUESTION Regardless of which candidate you happen to support, who do you think did the best job in the debate – Joe Biden or Sarah Palin?
Our analysts tonight will be Citizen Mom and Jonathan Valania. Here we go…
8:57 PM Citizen: Wheeeee!
I’m leaving CNN on because I am mesmerized by the neon spaghetti lines and the pie charts
8:59 PM me: so, any predictions?
9:00 PM I think they’ll both have a few carefully-placed zingers but neither will totally implode
and thus, Palin will fake-win
Citizen: she is wearing BLACK!
me: her funeral, Joe’s trial
Citizen: She’s wearing black, I’m surprised. Is that shantung?
9:04 PM me: she wears black because she is a serious woman
Citizen: I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside
me: she is trying to get some of that undecided black vote
9:05 PM me: Joe is getting good biofeedback
Citizen: Nice lipstick
9:06 PM me: already with the mommy talk?
she can be president of the playground
Citizen: Yeah the “you betcha” stuff is out of place here
Watch it, pal. The breeders are everywhere.
She needs to slow down
9:07 PM Biden looks SO much more comfortable than she does
me: wait, did that Fannie Mae reform include Rick Davis’ $30,000 a month consulting fees?
Citizen: Here it is, he’s responding to her directly
9:08 PM THE WINK!
me: oh lord shameless pandering to the working stiffs
“YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST! HOORAY FOR YOU!”
9:09 PM Citizen: Gwen Ifill just made them both her bitch
9:10 PM neither of them just answered the question
me: America doesn’t want them to
Joe Lieberman said so
Citizen: JESUS CHRIST JOE SIXPACK
me: I am gagging on the faux populism
she is worth $1.2 million!
9:11 PM she is an elite
Citizen: Funny how she’s talking about how people were taken advantage of
when the rest of the GOP has been out blaming homeowners all week
Her answers so far have been 1 sentence of semi-answer and then 60 seconds of canned, rehearsed schtick
9:12 PM me: it was the minorities, they caused Wall Street to crash, they are why we can’t have nice things
9:13 PM prediction, she will stop her freefall in the polls, but lose the debate
me: stop acting like you speak for The People!
I know the The People, The People are a good friend of mine
You lady, are NOT The People
you think she is armed?
Citizen: Oh hell you know she’s strapped. It’s on her thigh like Angelina Jolie
That’s why the skirt has a flounce
Biden’s having a hard time moving the lines
9:15 PM me: so transparent
‘not gonna answer your questions
I will attempt to fool the American people directly’ [smiles cutely]
wow, such a complete NON ANSWER
Citizen: Gwen Ifill isn’t gonna take that. She will keep things on target
9:17 PM me: he’s movin the line now
The Line likes him
it REALLY, REALLY likes him!
9:18 PM she is NOT middle class
Citizen: “In the middle class of America, where Todd and I have been until we had a net worth of $1.2 million”
me: Alaskans take MORE Federal tax money than any other state
9:19 PM she rolls her eyes at health care for all Americans
likes it’s from Russia
which she can see from her house
9:20 PM Go Joe
give her the left, the left, the left
Citizen: WOAH are you noticing where the lines are going?
The yellow “woman” line is WAY higher when Biden’s speaking
9:21 PM me: those women are all looking for husbands
and they can’t marry Palin
nice, Bridge to Nowhere used against her — that’s gotta sting
Citizen: I bet Sarah Palin has a higher net worth than Biden
9:22 PM Seriously if women are the all-important group here, Biden is PWNING it
9:23 PM me: good one
offshore bank accounts ARE Un-American
oh, same old lines over and over
dodging the topic
it’s like she brought her own debate questions and answers and its different than the one Biden and Ifill are having
9:24 PM how stupid does she think America is?
this is insulting even by her standards
what makes her an ‘energy expert,’ exactly?
what schooling, what experience? was she an engineer or a geologist?
9:25 PM Citizen: I was so tough on the oil companies that my states budget was only 80% oil revenue, not 83%
me: Fannie Mae was paying your campaign manager $30,000 a month
up until like last week
and I wonder how many working class family’s mortgage payments went to pay his consulting fees
I wonder, we should ask some of the people foreclosed on, I bet they would know
9:29 PM Citizen: Haha, look at the green line
Citizen: Men clearly don’t like Biden because he looks like he had his eyes done
me: I don’t know the answer so I am gonna talk about drilling in Alaska
9:30 PM Like it’s like she showed up with her own questions AND answers
Citizen: That’s what Colbert said last night
me: Noun, verb, drilling for oil
9:31 PM uh oh
global warming question
wriggle out of this
that’s right it’s not all man’s fault, women had a hand in it, too
She’s like ‘I don’t wanna know what caused it, I wanna know what you are gonna do to fix it — that doesn’t mean less drilling, because I really like saying ‘Drill, baby, Drill’
Citizen: Seriously, is she even speaking English?
I feel like I’m hearing political Esperanto
me: wait, we know the cause of this problem
the rest of the world doesn’t care about climate change as much as we do?
they have been waiting on our asses since Kyoto!
read a book, you boob!
9:33 PM read a newspaper
not just ‘all’ of them
Citizen: Oh remember, she reads ALL OF THEM
Especially OK! and the Weekly World News
me: that is why she is so confused
trying to read them all at once
Citizen: And the things the Jehovah’s Witnesses stick in your door
9:34 PM me: people are so HUNGRY for drilling
9:35 PM Citizen: Senator O’Biden!
Begosh and begorrah!
me: it’s like she thinks America is at home masturbating to her talking about all that hot, raw oil
we have in Alaska
nu ku lur
me: first sign you are a MORON, I can prove it
9:36 PM same sex benefits?
this is what America wants answers to?
9:37 PM c’mon
Citizen: yeah I think most states offer at least spousal benefits now, right?
9:38 PM me: aw, she is tolerant of those dirty homosexuals that are gonna burn in hell, what a pal!
Citizen: Just got this txt message from a friend: “I don’t think I could hte this dumb slut more. I want to take a hockey stick to her glasses.”
me: man or woman?
my non-support, who uses words like that?
9:39 PM Citizen: Fuck them BOTH for not supporting gay civil marriage
those people are fucking Americans
we are all created equal
its says it right there in the Constitution
9:40 PM Citizen: I know, it’s all about Equal Protection for me
me: her concern is that if there is too much gay marriage, why even her and Todd could wind up gay
that is the threat
9:41 PM Citizen: She’s managed not to lose him to the big game all these years
She’s not about to lose him to a big gay
try the veal!
“with all due respect, I didn’t hear a plan”
me: her plan for Iraq, send pitbulls and hockey moms
and enough lipstick for both
and are troubles will soon be over,
9:42 PM Citizen: WOAAAAHHH look at those lines.
They love it when Biden talks about the war!
me: oh, lord
9:43 PM the ‘white flag of surrender’ line is tanking
Citizen: “Your plan is a white flag of surrender”
THAT’s the best you’ve got?
me: look how smug she looks, and she thinks she looks cute
9:44 PM Citizen: I really wish Gwen Ifill would break in here and remind Palin to answer the fucking question
me: they beat her down with that book crap
she is a non-factor
9:45 PM she shoulda dropped out and put someone in who would call her on her bullshit
9:47 PM me: women love Biden
Citizen: Woah look how the lines dipped
9:48 PM me: does Palin even know that Abbajibjab dude is NOT the supreme leader of Iran
the CASTRO brothers? Oh, brother,what is this 1963?
Cuba has nukes?
9:49 PM Henry Kissinger likes your ass, that is what he was trying to tell you!
Citizen: Name dropper
me: that is ALL
Henry Kissinger can’t leave the country because he is wanted as a war criminal is something like five countries
9:50 PM Citizen: I am not kidding when I say I have no fucking idea what the hell she’s talking about
9:51 PM Spain again!
me: Joe just killed
Spain is SO gonna be bombed
if Mccain wins
9:52 PM even though Palin can’t see it from her house
Citizen: “I can see Barcelona from my lanai!”
9:53 PM This is where Biden gets his “You’re no Jack Kennedy” moment
me: I can see Spain from my fallopian tubes!
me: is it wrong to want to punch a woman
this woman in particular
not just any woman
9:54 PM pow
Citizen: Well, it’s sort of wrong but there are plenty of women who will do it for you.
me: Freedom isn’t on the march
why, cuz we fuckin took care of their worst nightmare
stop kissing up to the Jews, you’ve never even met one before Kissinger!
Citizen: She LOVES Israel!
9:55 PMme: and beside in order for her to Rapture, the Jews must die
how come she doesn’t mention that
Citizen: Perhaps her one gay friend is also Jewish?
me: CHANGE IS ON THE WAY!
I am choking on my own bile
I need a tic tac
9:56 PM Citizen: Biden’s smacking people in the head
me: not what she asked
9:57 PM not whether North Korea should have nukes
but when would you use them
me: ANSWER THE QUESTION
Citizen: “I’d just like to mention that and read from another index card”
9:58 PM me: she is a lying c*nt
it must be said
Citizen: Say it out ya mouth!
me: she may not be making Biden angry
but it is working on me
see, i woulda lost the debate with the C-word gaffe
9:59 PM this is why I am not Vice President, if I can admit I am not ready, she can too
Citizen: You can’t call a woman a cunt unless you’re married to her — the McCain Doctrine
you get to call her ‘trollop’ too
10:00 PM this was not a debate, this was an essay contest
Why I Don’t Hate America (Unlike Some People)
by Sarah Palin
Citizen: uh oh, Biden’s sighing
10:01 PM me: he is breathing oxygen
first breath all debate
such a pro!
Citizen: Remember Al Gore with the dramatic sighs during the debate with W.
me: I look back at the last eight years and all I can do is sigh
10:02 PM in between vomiting
he needs to land a serious body blow
Citizen: haha did he say Bosniacs?
me: knock her on her heels
they are Bosniacs
they hold 900 year old grudges, that is maniacal
10:03 PM Would the moderator please stand up
make her answer at least ONE question tonight
10:04 PM Citizen: “Americans are cravin’ that straight talk . . .with biscuits and gravy”
me: How does John McCain know how to win a war?
we LOST Vietnam
look it up, honey
Citizen: And he was a POW for most of it
me: that is how you win
from inside the POW camps
eat all their food
clog up the toilets
shit like that
it’s why the North Vietnamese surrender to John McCain
10:08 PM Citizen: “God forbid”
me: Biden has RULED the line all night
10:09 PM I think she is coming off as really smug
on behalf of mavericks everywhere
YOU MA’AM, ARE NO MAVERICK
quit with the less government, Governor, you are the biggest Fed Gov Welfare State in the nation
Citizen: She’s making a damn stump speech
me: like I said, not a debate
10:11 PM an essay contest
How I Saved America With My Cute Smile
by Sarah Palin
Citizen: My small town is smaller than yours!
me: omg, Scranton would SO kick Wasilla’s ass
Say it ain’t so Joe
10:12 PM been waitng to use that ALL night
she is SO FUCKING CORNY
me: just winked at her dad
again with the running for president of the PTA
this is the big leagues lady
start acting like it
10:13 PM good god, is the OBVIOUS pandering playing
your a hockey mom
Citizen: She moved the line on that last one
me: I’m an elite, what do I know
Citizen: “and yours was a lame attempt at a joke because nobody got it”
10:14 PM me: Children With Special Needs!
McCain has voted to cut spending for Children with Special Needs
Say it, Joe!
10:15 PM this is like Fargo vs. Delaware
Citizen: I”m glazing
10:16 PM me: all that boring detail and facts
it will be over soon
she is SO reading these answers
10:17 PM her whole prep was about how to turn every question back to her four or five pre-fab answers
Biden just slapped the ugly off Cheney
me: Hockey mom
drill baby drill
and one other
10:18 PM oh, pray away the gay
Cheney just took out a CIA contract on Biden
fortunately its the CIA, so he shouldn’t worry too much
Citizen: Seriously, there’s a black GMC with tinted windows waiting for him outside now
10:19 PM “how are we gonna pay those tuition bills” maybe we’d know if she’d release her tax forms
10:21 PM me: single DAD in DA HOUSE and his name is Joe Biden
10:22 PM take that Hockey Bitch
Does she even know what a maverick is?
Citizen: Woah, that was really awkward. Biden was really genuine and choked up and she defaulted right back into reading from the cue cards
10:23 PM me: good, call him on the Maverick
smart strategy to keep going after McCain instead of her
10:24 PM let her hoist herself by her own petard
gawd, I SO wanna debate her myself
10:25 PM Citizen: Palin will follow George W.’s lead and say she has never made a bad mistake etc.
me: oh, I am sure
I used to speak in tongues
but now I realize its stupid
10:26 PM nope, I have been totally right all along
10:27 PM her non-answers are getting even thinner
she is running out of non-answer
Citizen: I’m wondering how I”m going to make it through the closing statements
At this point, blood is starting to seep from my eyes and ears
10:28 PM me: I have been vomiting blood for an hour
literally smoke coming out of my ears
walk the walk, talk the talk
like she’s been reading The Big Book Of Snappy Sayings
by Pat Boone
Citizen: She’s got them printed on her forearm like a quarterback
10:29 PM me: she is gonna call Biden a Jive Turkey
mark my words
here comes Where’s the Beef?
10:30 PM hockey mom
corruption on wall street
fight the terrorist
change is on the way
Citizen: This bullshit about her liking it “without the filter of the mainstream media” is just a way of saying she likes to hear herself talk and never be questioned
10:31 PM me: verdict
10:32 PM Palin stopped her free fall into walking jokedom
Citizen: Are you kidding? It’s going to be all about how great Palin did
because she didn’t pass out
me: look at The Line
The Line knows
he blew his old man’s line
10:33 PM it supposed to be ‘doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down
it’s how many times you get back up”
even I know that, and he’s not even my dad
Citizen: Thank GOD that’s over
me: what, the election? me, too