USELESS ADVICE: Top 5 Gifts For Your Philly Magi



BY ABIGAIL SHEPHERD With five days till Christmas, the holiday rush has now transformed into an all out attack mission to find the perfect holiday gift. Malls are overcrowded, specialty stores are running low and eBay is getting around 478,237,482 bids per second. By now, most people know exactly what they want…and they plan on getting it no matter how many innocent civilians die in the process. But, there are some people who still have no idea what the perfect gift for their special someone is going to be. Well, have no fear! This handy-dandy list is like a vote for Pedro — it will make all your dreams come true.

1. ‘Bon voyage’ cards to send to Donovan McNabb: It has been a long run for Donovan McNabb (back when he could actually run the ball), but the clock is winding down for the Eagle’s quarterback. When Coach Andy Reid was asked if McNabb was going to be back next year, he simply stated, “Yeah.” Well, don’t sound too excited, or completely sure about it, Andy! Either way, McNabb will be leaving, whether it is this year, or at the latest, next year. Might as well get the SMELL YA LATER cards out and pass them around the table. Every family member is going to want one.

2. Urban Warrior Survival Kit. Includes: gas mask to cover the piss smell of the subway; key-chain sized pepper spray (this item will probably never actually be used, however, everyone who is anyone carries it around in the bottom of their purse/briefcase in Philadelphia); BBgun (for obvious reasons. And, come on, what can’t you do with a BB gun)

3. A ‘THIS IS AMERICA, PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH WHEN ORDERING’ sign to hang on your front door or a nice desk decoration for the holidays. Or, if the recipient lives out in the suburbs, THIS IS AMERICA, PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH WHEN MOWING MY LAWN.

4. A fresh crop local broadcasters that won’t hit cops or call them “dyke bitch” — because that really hurts their feelings, especially around the holidays. To avoid a repeat, we suggest CBS hire a matronly ex-cop with a Pete Rose haircut to replace Lane.

5. “I Live In Philadelphia And Haven’t Been Shot Yet” t-shirt. Really, this is the must have of the season. How many years has your special someone lived in the Philadelphia area without being shot at? Really? Wow, that’s a long time! He/She should be proud of this accomplishment and wear the shirt outdoors showing the city that he loves that the rise of violence will not deter him from living in the city! Comes with chest-size glow-in-the-dark target on the back and front.

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