BY AMY Z. QUINN We know how it is: so many words to read, so little time to surf for free porn. That’s why every week, PAPERBOY does your alt-weekly reading for you, freeing up valuable nanoseconds that can now be better spent ‘roughing up the suspect’ over at Suicide Girls or what have you. Every Thursday we pore over those time-consuming cover stories and give you the takeaway, suss out the cover art, warn you off the ink-wasters and steer you towards the gooey caramel center of each edition. Why? Because we like you.
ON THE COVER:
CITY PAPER: Feelin’ crunchy? Looking for a holiday gift that won’t break your wallet or pimp-slap Mother Earth? CP’s got you covered this week, as their Holiday Gift Guide goes green. Lots of suggestions here, and not all of which necessitate a trip into Center City, either. In fact, you can order your Festivus pole online now, saving you precious energy for the Feats of Strength, or find out where to recycle your tannenbaum once you’re tired of picking needles out of the carpet. Already on my list of things to buy with my giant Phawker “Baby Jesus Hates You” Holiday Cash Bonus? (There is a bonus, right? Right?) Start with Betty’s Tasty Buttons, and maybe one of those woodblock printing sets. I think I’ll pass on the silver rings from Delicious, made with “human and bear teeth,” but I could totally be down with one of those watch necklaces from Carolynne McNeel.
PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY: Just in time to combat the munchies we’ve all got from that AK-47 superweed, it’s the Food Issue! There are pieces on bar regulars, bar/restaurant waitstaff, quizzo, where out-of-towners can get their grub on, even a piece about local strip clubs. Tell me again why this wasn’t called the Drinking Issue, since there isn’t one story about, y’know, food or dining? Best quote, from Tara Murtha’s entry on why restaurant regulars aren’t always a good thing:
Working in a restaurant is kind of like Waiting for Godot.
Except in the restaurant version, after hours of polishing, stocking and brewing, Godot does finally arrive. Then he treats you like crap and stiffs you. Shake and repeat until a significant percentage of hard-earned tips are spent on cocktails to loosen the lump of a thousand stifled F-yous lodged in your throat.
Managers raking python-thick lines of cocaine on the bar instead of filing their paperwork so you can leave. Gruesome quartets of Jersey couples who skip out on the bill and, after forcing you to chase them through a blizzard in fishnets, toss coins into the snow and laugh before strutting away, chock-full of sadism and Coors Light. The seemingly civilized businessman who, yes, would like some fresh ground pepper on his calamari salad, then throws his head back and groans as if reaching orgasm as you twist the pepper mill.
Stay classy, Philly. Tip your bartenders and waitstaff, people, they’re working hard for you.
INSIDE THE BOOK:
CP: In case you didn’t hear it the first time: You can’t overdose on weed, even if said sticky icky won the “Cannabis Cup”! Nevermind Cable, I’m down with Shaloman — the Kosher Crusader, if you will — as my comic-book superhero of choice. Mothers are fighting back against DHS, demanding fair treatment from what could be the city’s most effed-up agency.
Over on the Clog, Patrick Rapa reminds us that it was nearly 20 years ago today that Philly’s last great mustache, err, goalie, Ron Hextall, became the first goaltender in NHL history to shoot and score a goal. Sweet Jesus, do I feel old, but it’s still so good to watch.
PW: Kate Kilpatrick on why it might be best to leave the club before closing time. Anonymous musician calls bullshit on Thom Yorke’s pay-what-you-like paradigm (Best line? “This isn’t Priceline, bozo. I gotta eat.”) Brian McManus on “ringtone rap” and how we’re all forced to listen to shitty songs, or something like that.
WINNER: CP, For going straight to the source, as it were, and quoting NJWeedman in the AK-47 story.