BY JONATHAN VALANIA Be honest, does anybody really know what ‘twee’ means? What does ‘plaintive’ actually sound like? Can you draw me a picture of what ‘angular’ looks like? Didn’t think so. Check in with Phawker later tonight and you just might find out. We’ll be blogging live from the WXPN’s 885 Town Hall Meeting at the Annenberg Center starting around 8 PM. Bruce Warren will moderate a panel of 215 rock snobs including David Dye, Tom Moon and our own Sara Sherr.
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OK, we are live. And away we go…Bruce Warren has breaking news: Phil Spector jury is deadlocked, could lead to mistrial…pardon me while I wrestle with the goddamn digital camera, welcome to the sexy world of live blogging…meanwhile, the panelists are weighing in on the 885 most important moments in rock n’ roll. Sounds a little like this: blah, blah, blah…Dylan goes electric…blah, blah, blah…Nirvana goes acoustic….Bruce Warren is being very coy about which moment is the number one most important out of all 885, his only hint is that it happened in the 80s. The only good thing I can remember happening in the ’80s was Reagan getting shot REM’s Murmur. (Dear Secret Service: That was a joke. Repeat: just a joke. Besides, everyone knows Reckoning is better.)
OK, here’s a mindfuck: Johnny Cash and James Brown are alone on an airplane (don’t ask) that is about to run out of fuel. There is only one parachute. Based on their respective contributions to the history of recorded music, which one would you give the parachute to? Now imagine that Deborah Harry and Patti Smith are on that plane — who lives? Sonny or Cher? Marky Mark or the Funky Bunch? These are the maddening dilemmas that torment our panelists from the moment they wake until their heads hit the pillow at night, only to wrestle further with these terrible choices in their dreams. Those poor bastards.
On an unrelated note, David Dye is rocking some hip kicks and a new side part which makes him look quite boyishly handsome despite his graybeard status. And I mean that in a non-gay way. Tom Moon has the same devil’s haircut he always had, but if those bags under his eyes are any indication, he is almost finished with his three-years-in-the-making best-of guide, 1000 Albanian Folk Albums You Simply Must Hear Before You Die. Good on ya, Tom. Sara Sherr has dyed her hair a she-devilish shade of platinum blonde — to make the carpet match the drapes, or so we hear. Besides, everyone knows she’s leopardskin below the Equator) Bruce Warren has exactly NO hair, but somehow he makes that work in a Mr. Clean kinda way. I mean, the guy IS married, so he must be doing something right. Smart money says he’s a demon in the sack. Once again, I mean that in a non-gay way. But I digress…
The final question is: Name the all-time greatest guitar solo. Allman Brothers, Clapton, Steely Dan all get shoutouts from the panelists, but nobody has the right answer and that of course is…If a flying saucer landed on your front lawn and the little green men got out and said “What is this thing you call rock n’ roll?” and you played them Dave Davies’ jacked-up garage-punk shred in the middle-eight of The Kinks’ “You Really Got Me,” well, then they would know.