1.Mouth-breathers who hug the cart of refiles that I’m trying to put away. This is the same crap that’s been sitting in the racks for the last two months. If I put a bunch of Keak the Sneak CDs on a cart, does that make them suddenly more attractive and awesomely collectable?
2.People who ask stupid questions in order to make a conversation with me. Yes, we?re going out of business. Nope, there’s nothing left. Yep, that pesky downloading.
3.People who can’t read. I understand the Philadelphia public school system is in a shambles and it’s hard to learn how to read when someone is pointing a gun at your head. But for the love of God, don’t ask me where M is.
4.People who shout ‘scuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me miss’ from across the store. You should never shout like that unless you, me, or the store is on fire.
5.Me or the cellphone. Pick one. Unless you’re a doctor with a dying patient on the other end, there is no reason for you to interrupt our conversation just to tell your buddy that you’re at Tower Records, and guess what, they?re going out of business.
6.Turn off the pager. It’s bad enough that I hear one side of your stupid conversation, now I hear both sides in every scintillating detail. BLEEP! ‘Where you at?’ BLEEP! ‘Mwah, mwah!’ BLEEP! ‘I’m at Tower Records, where you at?!’
7.A going-out-of-business sale works like this. You look around. Maybe we have what you want, maybe we don’t. If you’re asking me for more than three titles, you’re a douche and you need to read. Besides, there are like, eight rows left in the whole store!
8.We’re closing in three days and we’ve been going out of business for two months. Do you really think we’re gonna have the new Jay-Z? Please stop staring at me like that.
9.Please stop staring at me. None of this should be slightly revelatory.
10.If you live in the city and didn’t know we were going out of business, don’t ask me why. The shit was even on Action News. Please go home and Google it. Do you know how many times I’ve told the liquidator story since October?