TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: Ever get that feeling that you just can’t score? Do you go weeks, months, or (Goddess forbid) years without sex? I know it may seem hard to believe, but us gay folks can have a dry spell too, even the pretty ones.
I have an answer for all you queer love losers out there — bring on the straight girls! That’s right — there’s nothing like some sexy, trendy and confident straight women to make your bod all the more attractive. Just this weekend, I was up in Chelsea on business and my dear friend Maria was in from Rome. We met up with Katia and Jill, then headed off to Barracuda for some frolic. All the usual hot young things were milling about, swigging Coronas and lowering their Diesel jeans just enough to give us a peek at that ever-elusive ass crack. Normally, the A-Listers would have all the attention and I’d have to settle for B-List booty, or worst, for some casual flirtation. But tonight, I was armed with Katia on the left, Jill on the right, and Maria straight up the middle. And like magic, I also I had all the twinks checking me out!
Why, you ask? Gorgeous, well-dressed females always increase your flirtation quotient. For one, they make boys think you’re straight or attached (as is my case) and, therefore, unattainable. But for the average Chelsea scenester, it’s an irresistible challenge. Just as Madonna‘s “Erotica” began to pulsate from the speakers, the sharks began to circle. I was well prepared, with Katia on her knees in front of me, Maria in a dominant position above me, and Jill taking it in, pretending to photograph us all. I easily could have snagged three phone numbers. But alas, off the market am I, so there was no partaking, even if that kid had hips to rival Shakira’s and an ass you could serve tea on. No, after an hour of alcohol-injected antics, it was back to Katia’s for some sleep. No sex for me last Saturday, but enough adrenaline rushed attention to last for weeks.
Andrew Lloyd Webber‘s melodramatic mega-snooze, “Phantom of The Opera”, is returning to The Forrest for the umpteenth time and I’ve just got to wonder — is there any Cherry Hill blue hair or aging gay hairdresser who hasn’t seen it yet?
Are they returning for fourth and fifth viewings? If we got rid of Santorum, can’t we dump “Phantom” once and for all? You can’t blame management at The Forrest for booking the shows that sell tickets. So, why are people still lining up for a Broadway hit from the 80s? Because they have no imagination. God forbid someone should risk seeing a show that hasn’t been driven into the ground like “Annie”. If Annie got her gun, she’d surely shoot the Phantom dead. If “Nunsense” reopened, it would probably sellout the Kimmel Center. Damn nuns.
If you haven’t already seen Stephen Frears’ regal depiction of Queen Elizabeth II, “The Queen”, it’s time to run don’t walk to the theatre. This film has Oscar written all over it, especially Helen Mirren in the title role. Mirren’s honest portrayal of a dazed royal beset with decades of formality and stodginess dealing with the explosive and emotional mourning of Princess Di’s death is a masterpiece in character study. I cried. Go Mirren, get that Oscar.
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ?heard good things.? Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy?s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We?ll have a gay old time!